Other questions to ask…
Surrogacy is not the same as adoption. People consider either option for different, personal, and valid reasons.
Resist the impulse to ask about adoption or other avenues of family building when someone mentions surrogacy
Keep these in your back pocket instead
Surrogacy | Surrogate | Adoption | Fertility Journey
Surrogate & Intended Parents Relationship
Surrogate and intended-parent relationships are complicated by nature
and there's no rulebook for it.
We get it, and here are a few tips that might help.
Surrogacy | Surrogate | Fertility Journey
To our Partners & Spouses…
While we're the ones physically feeling the losses and cycles, we know this is hard for you too, even when we forget to show it
Marriage | Partnership | Loss | Grief
What he says vs What she hears
What we say, what we mean, and what the other person hears can, and often is, three different things
Marriage | Relationship | Couples | Communication
Understanding how to respond
Just because there are two people in a relationship and they go through exactly the same thing, it doesn’t mean that they will feel the same way about it, or grieve as long.
Typically, women grieve longer and harder than men or their partners, who do not carry the pregnancy, because it’s an event that’s happening outside of their body. They feel sad, and they grieve, but they don’t experience the physical or hormonal changes of a pregnancy or a loss. They’re one step removed. This can lead to frustration and discontent from the side that seems to be “carrying” all of the pain, and from the other side, who is often ready to move through the pain.
The disconnect is compounded by society's insistence on a time limit for grief. There’s an unwritten rule that states the shorter the pregnancy, the shorter the amount of time that you’re “allowed” to grieve. And for some, this is true; they grieve a stillbirth for a longer period of time than a chemical pregnancy.
The problem is that this doesn’t account for so many other factors.
-Maybe that chemical pregnancy was after 5 years of IVF with the only good embryo.
-Maybe everyone else is also pregnant now, and that 6-week loss is always on her mind as she compares herself with her friends.
-Maybe she was the first in the family to get married and then pregnant, but having a stillbirth means that another sibling will get the honor of having the first grandchild.
There are so many things we don’t know.
What we do know is that grief should have no limitations and that each person needs to be treated with kindness and sensitivity after a loss.
Pregnancy & Infant Loss | Grief | Marriage | Relationships | Fertility Journey
Marriage is…
Sometimes, marriage is just falling apart together
Sometimes it's just white-knuckling your way through together
Sometimes it's sitting at a baby naming when all you want to do is run out the door together
Sometimes it's tolerating inappropriate questions together
Marriage | Jewish Community | Infertility | Relationships
My Marriage Fell Apart
The toll infertility can take on a marriage, or partnership, is tremendous and often invisible to those outside of the unit
You are not alone
Even if it feels that way, our DMs are proof that these struggles challenge many marriages
Marriage | Infertility | Fertility Journey | Relationships
Fertility Acronyms: Relationship
Infertility acronyms, but make it marriage/couples/partner related
Marriage | Relationships | Fertility Journey
IVF & Marriage
This topic resonates with so many of you. The majority of infertility and loss communities talk about the beautiful relationships between partners and how supportive they have been for each other... (we all know that if it’s on Instagram, it must be true, right?)
The reality is that this journey is really hard
People rarely talk about feeling unseen and unheard, how to communicate difficult feelings, or what to do when partners want different things or on different timetables
It’s all really hard, and it’s okay to talk about it here
IVF | Marriage | Relationships | Infertility
Notes:
It's not all rainbows and roses when you're trying to have a baby
Especially when fertility is not a straightforward journey
Walking through infertility adds a huge strain on your relationship
You're not alone, even if few people talk about it
Relationships | Marriage | Fertility Journey | Grief | Love
Letter To My Friend
We ask G-d to forgive our sins during the past year and we reach out to family, friends and acquaintances with apologies as well. But what about when the person you most need to forgive is yourself?
Don’t Ask. Ever
I’ve been talking a lot about the expectations vs reality of what your life looks like. But what about families in your community? Why do we speak in hushed tones about those couples who have small families?
Hurtful Comments
But when those comments come from someone you love, you trust, you deem as “safe,” it’s much harder to do the reframing. These are the people who know the depths of your pain.
We All Care
“We care so much," - almost slips out, before it is harshly shushed by the silencing, accusing voices of "Don't say that. How can you ever care enough?”
My Marriage Fell Apart
So many of you have written about your relationships and marriages being strained through the journey of infertility or after a loss, that it’s worth mentioning here.
IVF & Marriage
“I’ve never told a single soul this, but the biggest reason I don’t want to do IVF is because I don’t think my marriage is strong enough to endure it.”
Letter To My Daughter
“An open letter to my daughter: I see you. Or at least the pieces you want me to see. I have come to your house early in the morning for weeks and weeks, and I don’t ask questions.”
Friends and Missing Out
“Yet, we don't have kids to play with their kids at shabbos meals, go to afternoon activities with, or go to museums with. We have tried to fit in, but maybe it's better to not even try.”
Partner Against IVF
My husband and I couldn’t be on more different pages. Nothing has made me hate him more.I feel so alone in this because it literally seems like no one else has this issue.
Grief With a Partner
Just because there are two people in a relationship and they go through exactly the same thing, it doesn’t mean that they will feel the same way about it, or grieve as long.