Mikvah is Hard

“Thank you for bringing the topic of Mikvah up. I really thought I was the only one who it’s hard for and dreads it and reading your stories helps me see that I am not the only one. I always thought there was something wrong with me because every other girl who goes makes it like it’s no big deal and it’s just easy 123 for them.

From the moment I stepped into a Mikvah for when I had to go before my wedding, it was the most hardest, uncomfortable, and just plain painful for me to ever do. For the 6 years that I’m married and went to the Mikvah, it was always a day of pure torture for me.

I know you are not discussing other topics of why it’s hard and are focusing on infertility/loss but I feel so strongly about the Mikvah because of how HARD it is for me and has been that I just wanted to share. Because of my eating disorder and my extreme discomfort in my body, having to go and do something that my body is the main focus is so so so triggering for me. Having someone watch me dip and see my body. Having to be intimate (history of sexual abuse as a child). Just the most worst day for me and the night was just more torture because I hate being intimate because of my past of the sexual abuse and I hate showing my body or being touched.

Then I had my loss and I couldn’t imagine going back after 39 weeks of being pregnant and then my baby passed away and it was like ok now I have to go back to the Mikvah and it brought such terrible memories of how I waited month after month for years to see if I was getting my period or not and then carrying a baby full term and being so close and then her passing away out of nowhere and then feeling that emptiness and pain again of having to go back which means being intimate (forgetting even the physical part/the eating disorder) trying again FOR a baby.

Was just really heartbreaking. I cried the whole time. Going there, while I was there, when dipping, when I left I just sat in the car and didn’t want to go home.

It was just really so sad for me.”