Mikvah and Closure

Going to the mikvah is complicated.

I remember wanting closure for my first second trimester loss. I wanted to be able to put it behind me and move on. Everyone said that loss was a fluke, so getting to the mikvah (bleeding stopped and being able to start counting the clean days- these are some of the finer details of the laws surrounding mikvah) was a huge relief. I just wanted to be able to try again. I also desperately needed the hug from my husband after everything we had been through.

But with the second loss, mikvah was not so simple. It was clear that there was something really wrong with my body. It was the second time that I lost a baby that was genetically perfect in the second trimester. And medicine has no answers for me. It was certainly not a fluke anymore, but no one knew why my body was rejecting these healthy babies.

Counting the days to immerse in the mikvah was so different this time. I wanted to be pregnant. I was *supposed* to be pregnant. Why wasn’t my body working???????

We had no hope that things would be better if I got pregnant again.

I needed the comfort of my husband, but I felt broken. Completely and utterly broken and couldn’t see a way forward.

I sobbed that night in the mikvah waters for all the things that I hoped would be, for all the things that were not, and begged G-d to help me find a way forward.

Because I was scared of the future. I didn’t want closure. I wanted my baby.

-From Aimee Baron MD, our Founder and Executive Director