Our Stillbirth Story
I met Sarah and Jeff Cohen when I was working with NechamaComfort. In the hours we sat together and spoke by phone and text, I was struck over and over again by the fierce love they have for their children and how deeply they ached for the daughter, Molly, who never took a breath on this earth. Molly was stillborn at 24 weeks gestation shortly before Chanukah in 2016. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
As the months and years passed by, Sarah and Jeff both took to Facebook to share some of their swirling emotions. These are their words.
Sarah: “It’s been almost 8 weeks since my whole world has been turned upside down. Like the world around me has been enclosed in a snow globe that has been shaken and I’ve been waiting for the snowflakes to settle.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
While I am extremely proud of how strong our kids are, it has been very difficult for them as well. This is very real and raw for each of them. Somehow I feel like kids these days are so much more mature at their age then we were as kids. They are so much more aware of what’s going on around them. We are [just so] lucky to have 3 wonderful children who remind me every day how to enjoy life. Their craziness keeps me sane.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The simple question of, ‘How are you?’ is not easy for me to answer because the truth is, I’m not well. I am hurting so badly. Crying often. Overwhelmed. Mentally exhausted. Not motivated. How am I supposed to answer that simple question? Every day I try to make baby steps. I don’t want to feel this way forever.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I so desperately want to move through all this but there are so many conflicting feelings involved. The pain, though not so much physical much more, is still there. I don’t think it will ever go away. I don’t know when I will be ready to talk to people and go about my day to day life like it used to be. It’s just really hard for me right now.
I know there are a lot of people who love and care for our family a lot. We really appreciate everyone that has reached out or helped in one way or another.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Initially when this all happened, we had an email sent out on our behalf explaining briefly what had happened. In that email, we asked to please respect our privacy and we were not up for questions and phone calls. While I appreciate people reaching out to us, please please respect our space. I just don’t have the mental strength to talk about this, let alone with so many people over and over again. Please don’t be insulted if I don’t answer your phone call or reply to your text. I’ve read them all and heard all the voicemails. Right now I don’t know how anyone can help. I don’t have that answer. I know so many of you mean well. Just a simple ‘thinking of you’ means so much.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I am so lucky to have a solid rock husband. While I’ve needed time to heal physically, Jeff and I are both going through this together emotionally. I think that’s what gets missed sometimes in situations like this. Somehow the dad gets overlooked and everyone is more concerned with the mom. Jeff has had a loss too, so please be sensitive to him when asking about me. Please acknowledge that he’s not just a messenger for your good wishes. He is also dealing with the pain of losing his child.”
Jeff: “As most people are getting ready for Pesach, it’s difficult for Sarah and I not to be thinking about what today was supposed to be for our family. Today was supposed to be the day that our baby would arrive.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I’d like to share an abbreviated version of what I said at the ceremony for our daughter before she was buried. Our families came and supported us as we took the time to acknowledge our loss.
We will be forever thankful for their support that day.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
‘I want to start by thanking each of you for coming here this morning to share with us our loss of baby Moriah/Molly. While some of you may not feel like she was part of the family, to us she was – and that is why we felt that we needed to gather our close family together this morning and acknowledge that she is no longer a part of our family.
For us, Molly/Moriah has been growing in Sarah’s body for the past 6 months. We have been watching her grow, and anticipating her kicks in Sarah’s belly. She was supposed to be our next addition to the family. Each of our kids were also looking forward to her in their own unique way – although J really wanted a brother, we know he would have loved her very much. When L saw her picture, the day after I told her that she wasn’t breathing when they took her out of Mommy’s belly, she was saddened by how cute she looked. And G was looking forward to being a big sister to another sister – although she didn’t know the baby was going to be a girl.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I want to say that for Sarah and me, there is really just one way to look at this. And that is that G-d’s hand was with us every step of the way, and that there must be a larger plan at play here – we just don’t know what. The sheer number of coincidences indicate to us, that this could not have just been a pregnancy gone bad. This was G-d’s will, and we were just the people he chose to carry out His plan.’
That Tuesday started like any other normal day, except that day was the day my parents had planned to come to New York to celebrate Chanukah with the family that weekend – who knew why they decided to come in so early in the week – for a Saturday night get together. Perhaps just a coincidence. Then, since they were ready for dinner early that evening, they decided to move their dinner reservations up by 15 minutes. This allowed them to be able to rush to our house to watch the kids while I took Sarah to the hospital – again, just a coincidence – since they didn’t know until it was time to order dessert that they would be needed to watch the kids.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
There were some other ‘lucky timing’ things with me catching an [earlier] train, and what time I came home – you could call those coincidences too. But the last coincidence I will mention is that between the delay of stopping the ambulance to put an IV into Sarah’s arm, and getting lost in Winthrop hospital as Hatzolah wheeled Sarah from the ER to Labor and Delivery – that gave the chief Ob Gyn resident enough time to come back to the hospital, after her full day shift, to come check on another case from earlier in the day. She entered the Hospital just 5 minutes before the doctors called for an emergency C-section, and the other doctor on staff that night was already in another surgery. Perhaps just sheer luck, perhaps not.
As I explained to J on Wednesday night, we don’t know why G-d does what He does, but we know that with bitachon (faith) – there are no such things as coincidences. Just look at this week’s holiday – was it really just a coincidence that there was only 1 jar of oil left to light in the Menorah? How could it be that every jar was broken, but 1 survived? G-d gives His people strength, He gives us the opportunities to do what is needed, and we just need to take what G-d gives us and make it the longest lasting oil it can be.
Moriah was not one of the names that Sarah and I were originally discussing for this baby. But after the early birth, we decided that she needed a more special name. Something that would connect her and us in a different way.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Moriah is translated from Hebrew as ‘G-d is my teacher’ or ‘watched by G-d.’ It is also referenced in the Chumash (bible) as another name for Jerusalem – as L pointed out to me when she heard the name – Moriah, like Har HaMoriah, the place where Akaidat Yitzchak (the binding of Isaac) took place. This was a place where Avraham/Abraham most likely found himself with lots of questions about what he was doing, and what faith he needed to believe in – and yet he pushed through. So too, with Moriah’s help, Sarah and I want to push through, keep our faith in G-d, and we will always have Moriah and Jerusalem in our hearts. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Jewish law actually does not dictate a clear set of Halachot (laws) for our situation. There is no requirement of Shiva or Availot (mourning) for someone whose child passes away under 30 days after birth. There is no mandated Kaddish or Yizkor (memorial prayers) for the first year, or any Yahrzeit (anniversary of someone’s death) afterwards. Yet there is a requirement of burial, and recognition of a life lost.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Sarah and I decided that we wanted to bring everyone together to recognize this life, and since we are mostly Kohanim, the option to perform any ritual in the cemetery was quickly ruled out. I hope that each of us can take a small piece of strength from Moriah, and have her memory help us keep an open eye to the Nissim (miracles) that are performed all around us each and every day. There are no coincidences in life, there is free-will and there is Hashem implementing His master plan for each of us.
Time is going by so fast. Today is the day that we were told our baby would arrive, and it was only 3 short months ago that we had to say hello and goodbye in just one night. It doesn’t seem like that was 3 months ago. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was leaving the hospital and coming home for Shabbat right before Chanuka. Yes, Chanuka. That holiday that we will always relate our loss to as well as Pesach, that holiday that we were expecting our baby to join our family. These two holidays will forever be different for our family.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
These past 3 months have been difficult. The days that have passed have been the ‘what could’ve been’ days. Our kids were anxiously waiting for Pesach. That was the time frame we gave them when we told them we were expecting. Just yesterday G asked me if we were going to do something special for the baby erev Pesach. Our loss is real and still very raw. It is not only on our mind, but it is on our children's minds as well.
Let me be completely frank by saying that I had zero interest in posting about our family’s loss on Facebook. Had I not been as far along as I was, no one would’ve known and we would’ve gone on with our lives carrying this pain without anyone knowing. But being that I was 6 months pregnant and a lot of people knew we were expecting, our loss was not something that we could hide. I needed to take control of my story before I bumped into anyone and was asked, ‘What did you have?’ or ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘When are you due?’ I knew I couldn’t handle it (and still can’t) so I needed to grab the wheel and just tell our story myself. Initially we were able to keep it unknown for about a week, but with some very persistent good friends who weren’t hearing from me, and the realization that we were going to need help (I had to have a C Section), we knew we couldn’t hold it to ourselves much longer.”
Sarah: “From the first time I was pregnant, I have ALWAYS said, it doesn’t matter if we have a boy or a girl, just a healthy baby. When we told our kids we were pregnant, naturally J was hoping for a little brother. The excitement of having another sibling was enough, but if we had a boy, J would be thrilled to even out the ratio. I needed to stress to all our kids that it didn’t matter if we had a boy or a girl. What was most important was having a healthy baby. That is a concept that is really difficult to stress to kids who don’t have the awareness of the possibility that things can go wrong.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Unfortunately, that possibility became a reality for our family and immediately, the desire for a boy or a girl disappeared. They just wanted this reality to be over and have a baby to hold in their arms. How do you explain to a 10 yr old, an 8 yr old and a 5 yr old that mommy no longer has a baby in her belly, and mommy and daddy aren’t coming home with a baby either? Nothing in life prepares you for that.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
That was probably one of the hardest things Jeff has had to do as a parent while I was in the hospital recovering from an emergency C Section. Our kids grew up really fast that afternoon. It was impossible to hide our emotions and not answer all the questions they had. And they were so understanding with everything that went on. I missed G's school Chanuka performance, L's Chanuka singing performance, the school chagigah where L was doing a dance performance. Not once did our kids complain or give me hard time that I was not there.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Jeff and I are so lucky to both have great families to be there for us. There is absolutely no way we would have made it through those first few weeks after losing our baby without both of our families by our side....constantly. Knowing that our kids were taken care of and were in great hands, meant the world to us.”
I’d like to thank Sarah and Jeff for sharing their story, and giving all of us a glimpse into the world of loss. Sarah wrote prolifically on her Facebook page about Molly and the aftermath of her death, as it was her way of processing her emotions. I’ll leave you with her letter to Molly, which she composed only a few hours after she was told that Molly died.
“Dear Molly,
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
It's been a short while since you were born. I love you and miss already. My body and my mind knows that you are no longer inside me, but my heart is not ready to say goodbye. You lay there so peacefully, almost looking like you were just sleeping. I desperately want to wake you and see your eyes open, hear you cry and see you move.
You stayed snuggled in my belly for 24 weeks. Your brother and sisters were so excited to meet you. They were looking forward to holding you, feeding you, playing with you, teaching you and so so much more. They couldn't wait for your arrival. My heart aches just thinking that they will never get a chance to meet you. To know what you looked like. To hold you.
Our family was so excited for you to be the next addition to our family. You would've been the 18th grandchild on Daddy's side and the 8th on mommy's side. There was so much love waiting for you from everyone.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I look at you and wish that I could've heard you cry even for a second or seen you open your eyes even for a moment. I so terribly don't want to say goodbye to you. I know that I have to let you go but I just want to hold you forever. You will always be in our hearts and we will love you always.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Rest easy my sweet baby girl. Know that you had so much love and family waiting for you here but I have no doubt that all our loved ones who have passed will watch over you and keep you safe.”