Not Fitting Into the Categories

How do you relate to Gd, when he doesn’t answer your prayers over and over again? Here is one story:

“I had my oldest in the first years of marriage. After the second dr suspected pcos and tested me extensively and decided I didn't, but I still wasn't getting preg after 18 months.
Then husband was tested and turned out he had very low, slow sperm.
It was an excruciating time. I would randomly cry, found the social pressure very hard, felt helpless. It’s obsessive.
We were considering iui and soon after I got preg naturally. (Second almost died during childbirth but that's another story). With the third, I got preg right way--second and third are 17 months apart. Dr said this is impossible and an open miracle I have one kid, let alone 3, let alone 3 in 5.5 years and he has no medical explanation for it.

Now my youngest is 3.5 and I've been trying for over a year. I WAS diagnosed with both pcos and hashimoto's after my third was born. So now that plus my husband’s issues I guess make the statistics very low that I'll get pregnant at all. I have contradicting feelings...

I feel incredibly grateful for my 3 boys. They all have tons of personality. My heart is full. I also want some girls. It's hard that my baby is growing up. It's my first time in my married life not being a stay at home mom with my kids. I don’t qualify as "infertile" to that community, and I also don’t qualify as "normal" in the rest of our community. I won’t qualify for any financial help if I really wanted intervention. And if I did, would that be justified? What does hashem want from me? Maybe I should appreciate I have the peace of mind to be present with my manageable amount of kids--instead of how most women are stretched to the limit.

The doctors told me my first was a fluke and that it is close to impossible to ever get pregnant naturally, EVER. And then it happened two more times.

Between the first two kids was the hardest part--month after month waiting, going to the dr for ultrasounds, xrays, bloodwork etc...and all the emotions that come with that.

I wrote letters to hashem during that time...dear hashem... I have an entire binder. It was so difficult. I was 21 and my dr was telling me I'd never have kids naturally.

And now I have three little boys. Maybe the spacing is less than typical. But people probably assume it’s intentional. Now that we have three diagnoses against us: hashimotos, pcos, and low sperm...who knows what will be. I also have learned that there are no statistics with hashem.

I don’t fit into any categories: I am not infertile. I'm a mommy of a bunch of rambunctious beautiful boys. But...”