Changed By Infertility

“We tried and tried naturally after we got married, and I never got pregnant. After praying and hoping things would be different, we finally made an appointment with an RE. He couldn’t find anything wrong, so he suggested clomid and an IUI. And I got pregnant on the first try.

I kept thinking that people complain for nothing - infertility is no big deal. Just go to the doctor and they will fix you.

So now, after losing that pregnancy at 11 weeks, 3 other failed iui/med cycles, 6 rounds of IVF, 3 failed embryo transfers and an ectopic pregnancy, I’m a mess.

Infertility (and loss) has changed me.

I used to feel competent at work (I’m one of the leaders in my field), and now I second guess everything. I’m irritable, snappy and moody. My friends don’t know what to do with me anymore, and frankly I’m surprised that my family hasn’t disowned me.

I’m a more anxious person now. Because so many things that we’ve tried have failed, I have lost confidence in the fact that one day I will be a mother. I worry constantly about what that might look like for someone in my community, and it scares me.

All around me, people are having babies and I just don’t know how to get through this anymore.

And yes, I go to therapy, but it doesn’t seem to be helping.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has been changed by infertility.”