“I Wanted This Baby”

“It was our 3 year anniversary when I went in for my 12 week sonogram. I went alone because of covid but had my phone ready to call my husband at work so he could hear the heartbeat, like I did at the last sonogram.

There was nothing to be heard.

I was scheduled for a d&c 3 days later, and in those 3 days I started to bleed and have contractions, but it still didn’t pass and I had to go to the d&c, alone.

What made it worse was this was the height of covid where we live so the hospitals weren’t performing the procedure, and the doctor I was referred to was working out of ‘another facility.’ My husband drove me to this unmarked facility, and was not allowed to come in. He had to wait outside.

I was in such a state that it took me a while to put the pieces together of where I actually was: I was given a card with a country name, and that was my ‘name.’ When they’d yell out ‘Philippines,’ it was my turn.

I was the only one hysterically crying in the full waiting room. And when a few of the girls waiting started having a conversation that I could hear, I realized that while we were all there for the same procedure, we weren’t there for the same reasons. This isn’t a time for judgement of the other girls or debate- they were there for whatever reason they needed to be there. All I knew was that my baby did not have a heartbeat. I never felt more alone in my life.

It was a two hour wait, and then another hour of bloodwork, and another sonogram until the procedure. And that entire time I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, ‘ I WANTED THIS BABY! I PRAYED FOR THIS BABY.’ But I sat in silence and cried.

I didn’t have my phone since they advised me to put it in a locker since I’d be under anesthesia and they’re not responsible for valuables. I couldn’t send a text or make a call to my husband or mother when I was sobbing. Like I said, I never felt so alone in my entire life.

When I finally went into the room and met the doctor, she put her hand on my arm and said, ‘I’ll take care of you.’

And the crying stopped.

In that freezing, cold room all I needed was a touch from another human, someone I never met to tell me I’ll be ok.

Gd willing we’ll get pregnant again soon. Though I know when that time comes that if it BH (please Gd) comes soon, I’ll have to go to everything alone again. I don’t know how I’ll deal with that.

There has been one shining light in my story though...

On that same day of my 12 week sonogram, my wedding anniversary day, the day we found out there was no heartbeat, our good friends who had been going through IVF had their embryos implanted. And they are now expecting a baby BH. I look at her belly and that day might not be my happiest day anymore, but it’s a day of hope.”