Stillbirth Dreams

“I’m posting this because I wish I had had somebody to speak to when I went through something so hard. Always know that there is someone out there who is willing to listen.

You would have been nine today.

Playing and having fun with your siblings in the sun. You would have been learning to read and doing math and acting like a nine year old boy. Instead you are watching us from above.

I think of you every single day. Your brothers and sisters know all about you and how although you almost made it here, you didn’t. I had such dreams for you, my love. How you would be and act. How much you would look like us. What you would want to be when you grew up.

There are not too many days I remember like it was yesterday but July 4-5, 2011 are not those.
29 weeks you made it. You were a fighter. Not having too much amniotic fluid, you wanted to live. Then at that last dr appt, they told me your heart was starting to slow and they were worried that the strain on your heart would start to put strain on mine. Mirror syndrome they called it. So in for an induction I went. My dr had mercy on me and sent me on July 4th when they usually don’t do procedures so there were less people around. We sat all day watching super old comedies and waiting. By night we walked up and down the halls watching the fireworks from the race track next door.

I had contractions all night long that I finally begged to have some pain relief. Finally at 5:03 you were born. Weighing a little under 2 lbs you were already with the melachim (angels). They told me you were one of the most beautiful babies they had ever seen. I am sure they say that to all the mothers, but I needed to hear that. When they wheeled you out, we gave you a name that only your father and I know. We asked that when they did your preparations (for burial), they call you by that name and not the normal name they give.

And then you were gone as if you were never here. But you are always here.

I wear your ruby birthstone around my wrist everyday. The kids know that it belongs to you.

We love and will never forget you.”