“It was December 2020 and no one was ‘in the office’ (by which I mean ‘online’ since this is mid-pandemic). I happily took on projects from coworkers who were on vacation, trying to compensate for taking my yontif days (jewish holidays) and early Fridays (in the winter, the sun goes down much earlier in the day, so sabbath observers need to leave work before others). I was working on completing a rare high-stakes project on a motzei Shabbos (Saturday night), but one final task was needed to bring it across the finish line. I wanted to show that I was a team player, that I could work on weekends and that I had everyone’s backs.

‘Hey, so is it possible you or someone else could do this final task Sunday night?’ I typed in to my manager semi-trepidatiously. ‘I have a medical procedure Monday that requires a fast the night before.’

‘No problem,’ he wrote. ‘I got it, take care!’

I bit my lip from my side of the computer. ‘Is this hurting me from a work perspective?’ I wondered.

Thankfully my manager was grateful for what I had already done, but much like the daycare-hiccups, doctor’s appointments and sick days at home with my living children, I wondered if my D&C that coming Monday morning, my frequent visits to the OB, sometimes hours long, and my uncertain future family-wise would affect my career.

And they have.

I spent years focused on building my family (tragically experiencing miscarriages, doctor’s appointments, blood-draws, etc), while others were working hard, putting in long hours and getting promotions.

I waited around at my current role too long before looking elsewhere for a critical career move, hoping I would get pregnant and have some stability at work by staying.

I feel that my desire to build my family and my need to build in a margin for medical treatment and thus flexibility in a prospective role ‘caps’ my earning power, limits my job prospects and even stifles my intellectual curiosity, drive & prowess.

As little girls, we were told we can do anything, be anything we want to be, and have a family while doing it. We could ‘have it all.’ Throughout the last several years, I have faced hard realizations about this lie. Yes I am bitter and angry, but I am also grateful for what I do have. I just wish we would focus more on teaching girls to handle uncertainty, adversity and to make the best compromises they can, rather than coming up to the counter with all their credentials, hard work and all the love and hope in their hearts and only to see that the bill of goods they were sold is just not reality.”