Simchat Torah & Infertility

“Simchas Torah
So many emotions surround this day.
A day we celebrate torah.
Fathers dance with their kids.
Round and round the bimah.
Holding torah scrolls.
Throwing children up in the air.
Ladies watch from the side.
Trying to spot their husbands amidst the men.
Looking for their kids being thrown in the air for (the song) “Moshe Emes.”
Singing.
Laughing.

For years I didn’t step foot in shul (synagogue) on Simchas Torah.
Infertility does that.
Seeing all the children with their fathers was too painful.
All the moms busy with their kids, helping them unwrap another candy, taking them to the bathroom, holding them up to find their Abba (father), too hard for me.

And then came Kol Hanearim.
All the kids under one big Tallis (prayer shawl).
Dozens and dozens of kids.
How beautiful.
And yet all I could see was the pain of my childlessness.
So I stayed home.

And then Hashem, in His infinite wisdom, gave me our miracle twins…
Born on Simchas Torah
It was like He was saying, the whole world will dance for you every year on their birthday.
And yet every Simchas Torah, I’m still a mess.

My miracle twins are turning 5 this year.
And every year as I watch my husband dance with them, I cry.
Every time he throws them up in the air for “Moshe Emes,” I cry.
Every candy I unwrap, I cry.
Come Kol Hanearim, and I’m just a mess of tears.
Infertility PTSD is real.
I’m so thankful for what I have, but the pain of all those years doesn’t leave just because I got my miracle.

So while I no longer stay home Simchas Torah, I still feel the pain of all those years of infertility.
And during Kol Hanearim, as I watch all the kids under the Tallis, I like to take that time to daven (pray).

To daven for all my friends who still yearn for a child of their own.
To daven for all my friends who are still waiting to watch their husband dance with their own child.
To daven for all my friends who are still yearning to have a child of their own to throw up in the air for “Moshe Emes.”
To daven for all my friends who wish they were busy opening another candy for their child.
To daven for all my friends who find Kol Hanearim too painful to watch.

So if you see me crying in shul, it’s because I’m so thankful and that I have a reason to be here…
But it’s also the pain of those 10 years before I got my miracles.

Happy Birthday my sweet babies!"