Understanding Shame and Guilt

Guilt and shame are two common and complex emotions for people navigating infertility.

They are different, but tend to go hand in hand.

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1. Guilt is a conditioned emotion

   • Most Jews, if you are a good Jew (ha!), have been introduced to guild from a very young age. Jewish mothers are especially good at doling this out.

     • Culture/FamilyReligion=large impact on experience with guilt.

2. Guilt can cause..

   • self-doubt

   • decreased self-esteem

   • shame

   • physical symptoms

3. Guilt that relates to perceived “mistakes” or “failures” (aka having endometriosis, male factor, recurrent miscarriage, etc.) can set a person up for continued struggles, like struggling to have fulfilling relationships with others

   • Feelings of chronic guilt --> higher risk of depression, anxiety or other mental health concerns --> mental health issues --> overwhelmed by guilty feelings about their mental state or related behaviors

4. Guilt and shame often go hand in hand

   • Ex: We might feel guilty about something we have done but ashamed about how this reflects on who we are.

5. Guilt vs Shame

   • Guilt refers to our sense of having done something wrong, either in reality or in our imagination. It related to real or imagined actions or inactions which have caused real or imagined harm to others

     • Ex: feeling “at fault” for not being able to have children

     • May lead to feeling liek you are indebted

   • Shame relates to our sense of who we are. We feel that in some way, we have fallen short both in our own ere and the eyes of others. We then feel a need to hide or conceal an aspect of ourselves.

     • Ex: the sense that we want to be “mothers” before we have children, and the “knowing” or even “planning” for a certain amount of children. And then… not being able to fulfill that.