It Is Our Problem, Not His

“My husband has non obstructive azoospermia. Back in the day, we would do biopsy after biopsy hoping they would find something. Our families knew and friends going through infertility knew. But no one else. My take on it, is that we prefer our privacy and that’s ok. No one needs to know. He is not ashamed- just doesn’t want people to know. And that’s ok!

As for feelings, well that took time. He felt the weight and guilt on his shoulders, and at first he was nasty a lot. I’m telling you this because someone out there might need to know. He was nasty because he wanted me to leave him, because medically I was ok to have a baby, and he didn’t want to steal that from me. It took a long time to help him see that it is 'our problem' and not his. We are in this together!

What does make this whole journey lonely (and it’s already lonely) is that I feel (and yes, they are my feelings so they are valid) so often I get triggered with all the talk about pregnancy loss, Ivf, etc. Even when I hear women complain about the treatment or being pregnant, I get triggered. I know these things can be terrible even though I never experienced it. I wish I could even *try* to do treatments. But I can't.

I remember when we were finally able to do microTESE. It had just come out. Every early morning rise (5am) was filled with anticipation and excitement…I was finally given real hope. And then it was shattered.

But we rose above as we always did. Grew closer and stronger. It’s not the life I thought I’d ever lead. But here I am. I love who I’ve become because of the challenge we face. The women that are going through this with their spouse struggle differently than men who are supportive of their wives who struggle. The struggle is real for all, but for men it’s a part of their ego and for women, it’s their identity. So we struggle alongside our husbands, and month after month we get our period and go to the Mikva. We sometimes cry over the loss of what was or could’ve been. But never showing our husbands the pain we are in.

We NEVER want them to feel responsible or guilty. Because they aren’t. We protect them with our lives and love."