Voices From the Community: How The Men In Your Life Are Coping with Fertility Challenges

From the I Was Supposed To Have A Baby Community:

"I feel my husband had an easier time coming to terms with the fact that we need to pursue medical intervention. Like he wanted to do something practical while I was more emotional about it. But he definitely has a harder time being around family members' kids and dealing with his emotions when other people close to us are expecting. I just feel he doesn't want to talk about it the way I do but he definitely still feels all the feelings."

"My hubby had a cry when we opened our box with baby's hand and footprints and the bear from the hospital, but that was it. No other emotions about it whatsoever. And he's fine if we don't have more - has had basically zero reactions when I've had a miscarriage (I've had 5 losses) - but he is not mad or disappointed that I'm so upset about it all. I'm also not exactly mad at him for it - or for not bringing it up in conversation - as I hope it means he's doing alright. It feels lonely, but I don't want anyone to feel these incredibly hard feelings of grief and sadness and disappointment through it all - especially not him. And it's good for our son to have someone holding it together through this all."

"So interesting to see what most men are like but I think here too no two men are the same unless my husband is the odd one out. Lol. For us my husband took it very very hard and it is still hard for him. When I would say that it happened in my body and I'm the mother so it's harder for me he would disagree with me and say he feels the loss equal to me. He lost a son as much as I lost a son. He doesn't talk about it much but cried a lot privately. Ironically with time he's actually starting to talk about it more now both with me and with strangers too if it comes up. It's nice when he gets support but also just as painful when other men say VERY hurtful things."

"Heading back home after a small shabbaton. My last time here was two years ago just weeks after my stillbirth... Sure enough towards the end of shabbos I got majorly triggered to tears. I was a little embarrassed that I was crying and I took the opportunity to turn my trigger into a healing opportunity. A 2 hour conversation with ladies sitting around the table. Everyone was interactive and so supportive. You'd be surprised there was not a single woman that didn't 'get it'. I was so elated when shabbos was over with all the support that I got but my husband on the other hand was not supported when he was triggered."

"Someone asked my husband a few times over shabbos how many kids we have. My husband kept distracting or avoiding. He finally asked the other man 'why do you keep asking??!!' Then he told him we have 4 kids. He asked where do you have 4 kids... (seems like his wife told him already and was trying to get it out of my husband. so my husband told him that one died at the end of the pregnancy. The man responded 'You don't have 4 kids then if the baby died. He's not your kid.' My husband literally stood up to walk away and started crying right there. This just shows that it doesn't matter how much time passed we and including my husband still live with the loss and with the pain. The men also feel pain even if they don't always talk about it or show it openly."

"Thank you for acknowledging all this. I keep seeing all these 'fathers grieve too' posts this week and I'm thinking, 'yes...but sort of.' I think he is equally stressed about other things in his life, like work, as he is about having a baby. For me, I can't even sleep at night."

"At first the infertility stuff didn't seem to bother him. But recently, he's been feeling frustrated, too - to the point that he doesn't want to watch tv/movies about people getting pregnant. Seeing him hurt because my body can't do this easily is really hard (there's no blame, I just wish I could spare him any pain)."

"My husband never ever talked about the miscarriage and changed the topic whenever I brought it up. The other night I asked if he thinks we'll meet our baby when we get to Olam HaBa, he held me and we cried together, and that was the first time he showed any emotion about it. A full year and a half later. It made us a lot closer, but took a long time to get there & I was grieving alone."

"I remember that when we were struggling to get pregnant initially it was harder for me much earlier than it was for him. He felt terrible for me but it didn’t bother him yet, he assumed it would be fine. But after a while it started hurting him too and it was almost harder for me when I’d see him cry or have a hard time about it than it was when I felt sad."

"I'm thankful I live in Israel where Father's Day and Mother's Day are not celebrated. Last Father's Day it was right after we had our stillbirth and my husband's family were incredibly insensitive to his pain. Everyone on the family WhatsApp chat were posting and celebrating while I want even a month postpartum. When I told them to be more kind I was told I was 'being too sensitive.' Father's Day has never been the same for my husband."

"Our losses were both pretty early on and he genuinely didn't connect to them and therefore grieve them as a loss of a baby like I did. He felt so bad for me but didn't fully understand. In his mind it was more of a missed opportunity to have a baby rather than losing a baby since it was so early. He fully supported me in my grief but just didn’t really understand. Later on he read the book 'saying goodbye' where the author spoke about her loss and different perspectives on loss and it helped him understand exactly where I was coming from. When I read it it also helped me understand his view too."