The Joy of Just One More Baby

“I can’t be pregnant again.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I had a hysterectomy during the birth of my first baby. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I’m going through secondary infertility, but it’s in a way that I never have the hope that I might get pregnant. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
To this day, listening to people tell me about different things going on with their kids is very triggering. They talk about situations and events that were during this pregnancy and that pregnancy, this birth and that birth. I constantly here about when ‘I had x amount of kids and then y amount of kids.’⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Will I ever have the joys of a large family? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Will I ever have the joy of just one more baby?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Will I ever get the chance to say ‘children’ and not just ‘child?’⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Will I ever have the joys of going to visit one of my children here and another there? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Marrying of more than one?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
All the things that happen in my life are not ‘oh, when this one and that one was born’ or ‘when I was pregnant with this or that one.’ It’s ‘when this hard time happened.’⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
At this point, it’s three years since my daughter was born. We know we can’t carry our own babies, but still have hope that we’ll have a larger family using surrogacy.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
But I’m still having trouble letting go of this dream. Why is the idea of losing the possibility of a large family, kids close in age or even just one more baby so hard? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
All I want is a sibling for my daughter and to be pregnant, even though I know that part can’t happen. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The only thing that gives me comfort is that I know that Hashem (G-d) gave women a uterus to bring life into this world. I brought life (my daughter) into this world, and then my uterus was removed to save my own life. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Will I get another baby somehow still?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Only G-d knows.”⠀