My Heart Is Heavy & It Hurts

“My heart is heavy and it hurts.
I feel a physical painful sensation inside.
Tears are beginning to form in my eyes, but I hold them back.
I feel sad, quiet and a feeling of despair washes over me.
I try to calm myself down.
I tell myself that our time will come. That we haven't been trying for that long yet. That it takes time.
But then I start to feel infuriated and angry.
I get fustrated. Annoyed. Pissed.
Each month I allow myself to dream, hope and wonder.
And then I'm let down.
I'm disappointed.
And I have to disappoint him too.
He hugs me tight and tells me it's okay. That it's not my fault. That we will keep trying.
But I feel like my body is failing me.
It's not doing what it's made to do.
It seems so easy for everyone else. But what about me?
What am I doing wrong?
Now I'm back in this place of waiting. I feel helpless. Anxious. Not in control.
I want to talk about it but everyone around me has their rainbows in their wombs or in their hands.
And I only have my storm to hold onto.
And I do hold onto it. So tight.
Because I want it back. I want her back inside of me.
I want to be pregnant again.
I want to feel nauseous and tired.
I want to see my tiny Blueberry on the screen.
Sometimes I dream that she's still there, growing inside me.
But then I wake up. And she's gone.
It's over. Just like that.
I hear those two words in my ears, "אין דופק (no sound/heartbeat)".
Those two words that haunt me every single day.
Those two words that I am terrified of hearing again.
I'm scared.
I'm angry.
I'm fustrated.
I'm sad.
I try to quieten down all these feelings and push them away.
But they are loud and strong and keep finding their way back to my head and my heart.
And then again, my heart is heavy. And it hurts.”

Shared with permission by @nicoleflescher94