Circumstantial Infertility: Having to Wait

"I didn't struggle with fertility physically, thank G-d, but there were emotional and situational elements, things coming up around parenthood, my childhood, and existential questions about what it meant to be a mother and what kind of mother I wanted to be. My first birth unleashed a lot, and when I had my second soon after, the classic juggles of raising a toddler and infant while working and pursuing a college degree left me little time and space to nurture the deepest parts of me that so badly wanted to be seen.

And then life threw curveballs. When I thought things were finally settling down, my kids were older, my job was easier, I'd already graduated college, and life was more manageable, I finally felt ready to become a mother again. But the journey ahead was rough, and I faced some heavy challenges I didn't see coming. I waited until that storm settled. Then at the earliest opportunity that made sense practically, I got pregnant. But that ended in a loss, and I was left with a gaping hole.

So I processed. I let myself feel all the pain and grief. I grieved that I didn't feel that wholeness and overflowing ability to give the emotional and mental space to create new life. I didn't feel equipped to welcome and raise more children with the unconditional love they deserved. I surrendered to the blackness and let my life unravel. I began to prioritize my own healing and self-care. I learned it was ok to love myself. To receive nurture before I can give. Slowly my cup began to fill, and I realized I'd been running on empty. Finally, my love began extending outward, the self-love and healing work becoming my anchor to build the meaningful relationships I desired, that my children, present and future, deserved. My parenting dreams were coming true as I began to relate to my kids as the mother I've always wanted to be. With its own timing, my heart expanded to create space for more. Now, as I hold my perfect beautiful baby, my heart is bursting with all the love in the world.

It was literally the most painful time in my life.

And that's why this birth was so meaningful - Because we waited so long, and I know the journey it took to get here. Literally, from the bleakest, darkest moments and seeing how far I've come, how far my husband has come, and how we grew so much in our marriage. It's just so beautiful and emotional.

I feel like a mother in the truest sense of the word. It's not just the physical process of having a baby that made that happen, but my inner healing and everything that made me who I am today - the pain, the grief, the healing, surrender, all of it."