Sexual Abuse & Infertility
S3xu@al abuse is a topic that we are just starting to talk about as a community. While we know that no community is immune from this kind of deviant behavior, when the Chaim Walder case became public about a year ago, it finally broke open the barriers so many have built.
We are not going to be able to do justice to the myriad of ways that someone who is s3xually abused is traumatized. Instead, we are highlighting that this too, can be another reason why someone has circumstantial infertility.
Read her story.
Think about how much more we can do to remind people that they are NEVER the ones at fault. They are NEVER to blame for someone else’s poor choices. They are NEVER deserving of Hashem’s wrath for letting it go on as long as they did. They are not evil; Their abuser is.
They are broken, and it is our job to pick them up.
“The "Diagnosis"
My fertility Journey doesn't have a medical diagnosis. It's not "unexplained infertility." I can actually explain it pretty clearly.
I was sexually abused as a child, and the emotional complexities that followed were unimaginable.
The Circumstance
During the years and months we waited for our first positive test result, I knew deep down what was preventing me from becoming pregnant. I knew what was causing the mental blocks that were preventing me from being intimate with my husband and making me miss my window of opportunity. It was the self blame and guilt that I wasn't worthy because I was sexually abused as a child.
An close relative sexually abused me for about 5 years. He was only 2 years older than me. My family still does not know about it. He grew me. He told me it was okay and normal. I listened. I knew it was wrong. So did he.
I still don't know why I never told my parents.
I eventually grew to enjoy it and would even initiate it. I believed I was horrible. I waited for a big punishment from Hashem (G-d), like a lightning bolt striking me dead. Later, in high school, I decided Hashem would punish me with fertility issues so I would never have children.
I believe that I wasn't worthy of being a mother after the sins I had committed. I accepted that not having children would be atonement for my sins.
I spent the next few years burying my memories.
When I first got married, I confided in my husband. I told him very briefly what had happened. We never spoke about it again. When we started trying to conceive, I didn't remember the "punishment" I had decided would be my fate. Though the doctors BH found nothing wrong with us, I simply couldn't get pregnant.
It took a while for all the memories I had buried so deep down to surface. I davened (prayed) to Hashem to forgive "my sin" and bless me with children (even though I didn't feel I deserve them.) my incredible pain and self blame were only eclipsed by anger at my abuser for robbing me and my husband of being parents.
I pleaded with Hashem that my husband shouldn't suffer for my sin. He did deserve to be a father.
The Treatment:
After consulting with doctors, I realized that I was the only one who could control the outcome. No medication was going to get the job done for me. I cried toashem for hours to fix it for me. I wanted him to give me the strength to get the help I desperately needed. Unfortunately, I did not have the courage to take that leave until years later.
We BH did manage to conceive two children though not without these difficult feelings, prayers, and pleading, while we tried and tried, usually to no avail.
It wasn't until trying for our third that I went to therapy and disclosed what had happened to me. I realized I was a victim not a horrible, disgusting human being.
I finally accepted that it was not my fault. I am worthy of being a mother. I learned coping skills to relax and throw out the memories instead of burying them deeper when they come up, especially (and inconveniently) during intimate moments.
The Results
BH (thank G-d), I have gotten three positive results in the past 9 years of marriage. They haven't come easy, and I surely don't take them for granted.
Words of Encouragement
Once I finally took that dreaded leap of going to therapy, my life, especially our intimacy, has changed for the better.
However, this is still an ongoing challenge for me, but BH, I have learned how to "fix" it, and it has gotten a bit easier over the years.
May Hashem help all of us who are yearning and mourning for the families we envision. And may we see beautiful healthy neshamos (souls) being born and Mashiach speedily in our days.
I hope this helps even just one person feel a little less alone in the struggle of intimacy and conceiving after being a victim of sexual abuse. May Hashem give you the strength to seek help and guidance and help you heal.
Warmly,
A Healing Victim of Sexual Abuse”
