Scared To Be Pregnant, Scared To Not Be Pregnant

The years that I kept losing baby after baby are a blur.

I don’t remember much about family get-togethers or political events, and large swaths of time are just gone from my memory.
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What I do remember is the fear.
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I spent years in a perpetual state of panic, feeling traumatized by our experience with secondary infertility, not knowing if I was ever going to be able to get pregnant again. And then once I did finally see those pink lines, I had a momentary period of elation, which was followed almost immediately by a permanent state of sheer terror. I was certain that I would lose this baby too.
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Pregnancy after loss, or after infertility, is a kind of sick holding pattern, that doesn’t let up until you have a baby in your arms. It’s crippling, and makes you lose sense of all that is good and positive. You pray and hope that things will be different this time, while steeling yourself against what seems like the inevitable.
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Your world narrows and you only think about one thing: Today, my baby is still alive. And you don’t relax until you hear that first cry.
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How are you handling your pregnancy after infertility or after loss? What are some of the emotions you are going through? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀