Swaddle Blanket
Here is another piece about secondary infertility - the space between appreciation for the family you already have and yearning for the family you desperately want. Secondary infertility is gratitude and heartbreak wrapped into one.
Swaddle Blanket
“It was an ad
For a swaddle blanket.
White, with black x's
And bright red hearts.
A matching little hat and headband
So it would be appropriate for either gender
Just like I was planning to buy.
But now there's no need.
There's nobody to use it.
Chemical pregnancy.
It sounds like an experiment
Created in a lab
For fun.
It sounds nothing
Like the silence
Of the grief that accompanies
The loss of something
That never was.
But there was something..
There were hopes
And dreams
And baby registries
being filled
There were symptoms
And smiles
And brightness looming
After the darkness of the past few years.
I thought that finally
I would find comfort
And healing
And joy.
Instead I'm broken
And in pain
With no space to process my grief
Because my little kids need their mommy
And there's nobody who can be there for me.
Swaddle Blanket 2.0
Today I placed an order
For a swaddle blanket.
White, with black x's
And bright red hearts.
A matching little hat and headband
So it will be appropriate for either gender
Even though there's no need.
There's nobody to use it.
Through our grief
We prayed.
We tried.
We hoped.
We thought that our devastating storm
Would be followed by shining rainbows.
But it was not meant to be
And we have joined the ranks
Of the fathers and mothers
Who hug their precious children
As they yearn for one more.
Those who walk the line
Of gratitude
For the blessings they have
And heartbreak
For the miracles they seek.
Secondary infertility.
That's not a title I ever thought
Would belong to me.
Not me
I've suffered through enough.
But who are we
To understand.
So today
I scheduled an appointment
With a doctor I never thought I'd have to see.
And today, I ordered a swaddle blanket.
White, with black x's
And bright red hearts.
Even though there's nobody to use it.
I believe in miracles.