A Shattered Heart: Story About Secondary Infertility
“My first tear in my heart was when I realized I had infertility and decided to start treatments.
A torn heart hurts but it's manageable to live with.
As the failed attempts of fertility treatments piled up, the tear turned into a full-on rip which left me with a broken heart. The defeat of so much time, effort, energy, resources, and hope, was almost too much to bare.
The broken heart was my new reality.
The pain of a broken heart is something you live with on a constant basis. You can get distracted and sometimes even feel your heart whole again.
But then you bump into your friend who has a new bump, you scroll through your phone and see your co-worker's family growing beautifully, and your neighbor comes home with a new baby, happy for each of them but each one tugs at your broken heart.
Announcements, parties, invites to smachot (celebrations), everyone's life seems to be moving forward and yours is stuck and going nowhere.
You pause for a moment and reflect on the things you do have.
You give thanks for all the blessings in your life, you manage a smile but then the heartthrobs and it reminds you… it’s broken.
Time passes and hope within you builds and even inspires you to start again.
Your heart has been patched up, sewn back together!
The scar is there but it's whole again and you wholeheartedly start from scratch.
Early morning appointments, blood tests, needles, pills, powders, acupuncture, yoga, foods that are “fertility-friendly,” reading up on the latest research, praying with new fervor, you smile a bit more, you push and push, you tell yourself this time will be different, this time you’ll get to tell your story with a happily ever after…
If there is such a thing.
The moment of truth comes again and this time you're convinced your heart's scar will melt away with your elation of a new chapter and blessing. You shed a tear thinking of how you’ll tell your parents and family.
You’ve worked so hard, you’ve gone through so much, and your pain has been worth it for this moment of redemption.
Your heart is thumping as if you are running a marathon, your legs are numb, your throat is dry, and happy tears are ready to roll.
You open the test results and...
CRASH.
Your heart shatters.
Tiny pieces are everywhere, the pain is unbearable, and you are trying to breathe but can’t.
You’re heart should be pumping but it's missing, it's everywhere and nowhere.
Your tears flow easily, they step in for your heart, it's the only warm thing thumping in your body as the rest of it is frozen solid.
Another failed attempt at getting pregnant.
No words, no thoughts, no comfort, just shattered fragments of your heart lying everywhere.
Which piece do you pick up first?
How do you reconstruct a shattered heart?
Do I need a new one?
Will I ever feel whole again?”