Part 3: How To Talk To People Who Are Grieving
The longer this war continues, the likelihood increases that each of us will personally know someone who has died, or we will be in the position of comforting someone who is mourning. Most people don’t know how to comfort a person who has lost someone close to them,going through unimaginable pain. So instead, people often choose to say nothing at all. Here are some tips on what to say and what not to say, so you can be there for those you love.
DO:
Just Listen. Give them time without interrupting (even to comfort or ask questions). Hold space for them to experience their emotions in your presence.
If you are uncertain as to whether they want to talk, try something simple like, “What’s on your mind today?” or “Do you want to talk about it?”
Nonverbal Cues Are Key. The power of a hug, making eye contact when speaking, or simply nodding your head in validation can go a long way.
If you are at a loss for words, say so. Saying “I have no words” is validating and acknowledging.
Talk about their situation, not someone else’s. It doesn’t matter what someone else has gone through/is going through. Your focus should be on them.
Offer to help in specific ways like delivering dinner, walking the dog, or babysitting other kids. Avoid hollow-sounding phrases like, “Reach out if you need anything.”
Forgive yourself if you make a mistake. It is impossible to fully understand another person’s situation. But if you recognize that you said or did something wrong, own up to it, and express your remorse. “Oh my G-d - I can’t believe I just said that. That was horrible. Please forgive me.”
Here are some examples of helpful things to say:
I am so sorry.
I love you.
I am here for you.
I can’t imagine what this is like/I have no words.
Do you want me to hold you while you cry, or would you like me to distract you (take you out, watch a movie, etc)?
Will a hug be helpful right now?
I can’t stop thinking about you…you don’t need to respond - Just know that you are in my thoughts and I love you.
DON’T:
Spout toxic positivity. None of these comments are helpful.
“G-d only gives you what you can handle.”
“Just stay strong.”
“At least it wasn’t worse…”
“Think positively - you can get through this.”
“Your (insert deceased name) would not want you to be sad all the time.”
Give advice. They need you as a friend, with an open heart and a listening ear. Giving advice instead of listening when someone is in pain invalidates their feelings and makes them feel like you have no room to hold their pain.
Try to fix. This can’t be fixed. It can never be fixed. Just hold space for people by listening, letting them cry, offering hugs, tissues and chocolate, etc.
Share details about their situation with others. If someone shared their story with you, consider it confidential unless specifically told otherwise. Ask for consent to share.
Forget about them in the weeks, months, and years later. Check in with warm “I’m thinking about you” texts or calls - it lets people know you care. Drop off flowers, cookies, soup, etc. in the months ahead. Birthdays, anniversaries, and Yahrzeits (date of death) can be very triggering too, so give your person some TLC then as well.
Assume they won’t want to come to your joyous family gatherings. Treat them the same as you did before you knew what they were going through, and invite them. But understand that they might not be up to attending, and be kind when they decline or need to leave early.
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