No Control Over My Body

“How am I supposed to be interested in being with my husband when everything feels so clinical?

I wake up at the crack of dawn, never sleeping enough now matter what time I go to bed.

I get to the RE’s office and I wait and
wait and wait until my name is called. My arm had prick marks and bruising from the daily blood draws.

When I’m finally put in a room, it’s cold, but I have to undress waist down. I’m told to spread my legs right after the doctor walks in.

Why is the jelly sometimes cold and sometimes warm? Why can’t they get it right?

Only three follicles growing on the right side. What is wrong with my body???

I try in vain to rub that guck off, but I inevitably get it all over my underwear.

I slink out of the clinic and rush to my car to cry. I hate these appointments.

I hate that I have no control over my body.
I hate waking up early two weeks a month so that I can have the pleasure of being poked and prodded.
I hate being told when we can and cannot be together.

I hate the way my body looks/ bloated, and tattooed with multiple shot marks from all the medicines.

And I hate pretending that I’m relaxed and ready for sex.

I want a baby, but why do I have to hate my body in the process?”

-sent in by a follower