Miscarriage Insight

“You recently posted about miscarriage not always being something we have to grieve and sometimes it even brings some measure of relief. I'm realizing more how there wasn't space in my life for another child right now. Of course the loss was extremely painful. But that pregnancy, as short as it was, was a real blessing in my life. It brought me comfort, as I was going through a difficult and extremely painful situation.

For 8 weeks, I was distracted from the pain by this beautiful bliss. It was a haven. But it wouldn't be sustainable because the problems didn't actually disappear and I would have to deal with it eventually. Had the pregnancy continued and I would've had a child, obviously I would have been delighted and that would have then been the best possible outcome. But the deeply wounded parts of me would've been put on the shelf for that much longer. The miscarriage brought the pain to the fore that much stronger because it was making up for those 8 weeks that Hashem gave me a desperately needed distraction and escape from the pain, but it also reminded me that I can't escape my reality and the pain will keep cropping up in all the weirdest places if I don't tend it with gentle nurture and care.

So I'm actually so appreciative of this very short pregnancy for the respite it provided. It gave me a vision of what will iyh be possible in the future and I have so much to look forward to. The loss was brutal but not nearly as painful as the bigger pain in my life that it reawakened. It's so tempting for me to want to skip ahead in life to all the goodness I know is waiting for me. It's equally tempting to try to avoid the challenges of the present moment and wish it could be something different. That was my pregnancy. An illusion that everything was okay when it really wasn't.

But this is a kinder way to see it. It was a necessary distraction to see that it really *could* be okay and it really *will* be okay, and now instead of trying to fast forward into the future, I will follow the brilliant design of time as it unravels my journey in the most divine, magnificent way.”