Lighting a Candle

It’s been a pretty heavy few weeks.

My feed has been filled with posts about pregnancy and infant loss, photos of little ones gone too soon, and a number of people close to me have gone through tragedies recently. There also have been a LOT of Jewish holidays, and trying to reconcile the happy with the sad has been difficult too.

Working in this space day in and day out means that I am used to the heaviness. It usually doesn’t affect me the way it did when I miscarried six babies of my own. I’m pretty good at separating my life from the things that happen here.

It may surprise some of you to know that I have never lit a candle during the #waveoflight for my babies. I don’t have a piece of jewelry commemorating their lives. I don’t light a shabbos candle for them on a weekly basis. And I don’t mark the anniversaries of their deaths.

Maybe it’s because my oldest baby only made it to 17 weeks gestation. Maybe it’s because it’s too painful for me to think about year after year. Maybe it’s because on some level, I mourn them every single day by bringing myself back to those moments to enable me to better understand where each of you are sitting right now.

Maybe I’ve already made a space for them in my life and I don’t need a special place/time/physical reminder of their existence in this world.

But just because it’s now become more accepted or even “trendy” to talk about infertility and pregnancy loss, doesn’t mean that you need to do it in a public or private way. Struggle, loss, pain and grief are very private things and there is nothing “normal” about them.

I know I preach about #youdoyou a lot, but it’s because I truly believe it and it’s the way I try to lead my own life. Do what feels right for you, not because others are doing it. You can choose the way your story goes, at least in this realm.

Light a candle or don’t light a candle. Just make sure to know thyself and don’t feel guilty for whatever choice you do make.