Our Donor Egg Story
Share a bit about your backgrounds, how you met, etc., and the story of your diagnosis.
We were introduced by a shadchan (matchmaker) and dated in the typical chasiidish way. Met three times and got engaged. For the people gasping at the thought, my husband was the third guy I met. So yes, I did have a say!
In the beginning we, like everyone else, expected to get pregnant on her own. Getting my. The first year or two when I was expecting to get pregnant was really hard. After a while I realized it wasn't going to be that simple. We started at my gynecologist measuring my temperature and taking Clomid.
We wasted almost a year doing that. Then moved on and failed a few IUI's. In the next few years we failed 11 IVF's at four different prominent fertility clinics with my own eggs. At that point, none of our embryos made it past day 3. Each cycle was a fresh retrieval. We even transferred as many as four embryos at one point. With nothing to show for it all. That led us to the conclusion that we weren't dealing with healthy eggs. At that point we had been trying for 10+ years.
When did he realize that having a donor was the only possibility of having children? Who did you ask about it halachically (from the Jewish law perspective)?
Our doctor strongly recommended using donor eggs and I don't know if we would have known where to even start without the support and direction of someone extremely knowledgeable in the fertility support community. He directed us to Rabbi Weitzman at Puah who gave us our hectare. He told us to use eggs of a Jewish single woman.
Tell us a bit about the emotional process the two of you went through to get comfortable with it--genetic grief, etc.
This is where I asked my husband to take over. I was on board almost right away because I was focusing on our end goal of having children. Yes there was and still is some grief involved in not having a little me running around. I cringe a little in the hospital when my babies are born and everyone says,"oh let's see who this baby looks like... I don't see any of you..." but I digress.
So we made the decision to go ahead with a donor.
My husband did most of the legwork involved in narrowing down the choices, and then I got involved. We chose a donor who had a similar characteristics and looks to me as possible.
On day 5 after retrieval, we had seven embryos! We were amazed! I had never made it to day five transfer with my own eggs. We transferred to and had twins bh! We were able to freeze five embryos! 3+ years later we transferred another one and had a baby.
Just like that our bleak journey had come to an end.
So we transferred three embryos and have three kids. What a difference it is going for a transfer being pretty confident I'll end up pregnant!
I did procrastinate scheduling this last transfer. Covid played a big part, but deep down I do know a little part of me was still hopeful that that maybe I would still get pregnant on my own.
Your kids-did you love them immediately? Did it take time to warm up?
I love my children! For the most part, it is really something I don't think about. But sometimes, rarely, I think what if. Nature versus nurture is real. My children do have some of my mannerisms.
If and when we tell our kids is still up in the air. They are still young and time will tell.
Who knows in your family? Beyond your family? How did you make those decisions?
We haven't told anyone except for medical professionals. It is something really not spoken about in our heimish circles. It's not something I embarrassed about at all, I'm just thinking about my children's future.
What would you say to someone considering this? If they are scared?
This has been an unbelievable blessing for us! If this is something you need to do to grow your family do it! You get to have a baby! Be pregnant and nurse if you want to! It is much more common than you think.
I hope eventually Dr Aimee Baron will be able to dispel the taboo in our community and make donor assisted IVF more accepted.