Our Donor Sperm Story

Share a bit about your backgrounds, how you met and the story of diagnosis.

We met through family friends, who arranged for us to date shidduch style. I'm from a totally secular background and became religious through Chabad, and my husband's family became more religious when he was younger. We wanted kids as soon as we got married I had tracked my periods and done my homework. After being married about six months, I had a feeling something wasn't right and it wasn't sitting well with me.

We went for fertility testing without knowing that it was "a thing: to ask a Rav it. I had to push for my husband to get tested because I knew based on my periods that things seem pretty normal. We almost immediately found out that we were dealing with Azoospermia (no sperm found in a sample).

We were in complete shock because nobody was expecting the test to come back at ZERO. The doctor also said some stupid stuff to us which was the cherry on top of all the pain. It took longer and more genetic testing to find out the specific causes Klinefelter's syndrome.

When did you realize that having a donor was the only possibility of having children? Who did you ask about it Halachically (from the perspective of Jewish law?)

We tried and exhausted all other options (additional semen samples, TESE surgery to search for even one viable sperm, meeting with all different doctors recommended to us). We went to couples and individual counseling to discuss the options. We first considered adoption and met with several agencies to start the process (and even put a deposit with one,) but I had this nagging feeling I couldn't give up on experiencing pregnancy and breastfeeding.

I asked my husband if he would entertain the idea of a donor seriously. In the frum world, it's hard to find people who are open about it or even considerate a legit option. There is a psak (halakic ruling) that it's okay to use a donor in our situation According to some Eabbanim, but it took a lot of work and time (about three to four years) to finally get to that stage of the process. Our personal rav told us he knew of other rabbanim whose opinion we could rely on if that's the path we wanted to take.

Tell us a bit about the emotional process the two of you went through to get comfortable with it--genetic grief.

I was not okay accepting not having children when I knew that we were both young and healthy and we both wanted kids. We finally came to a point where it was more about having children as the goal, so he became more open to the options of how to have those children. At the beginning of our journey I would have been so much more judgmental about using a donor.

There's no reason we should make ourselves suffer for any longer than we need to and be stuck in the stage of "infertility indecision" and how to move forward with our lives. I felt like using a donor is very taboo in the world, but even more so in the frum (Jewish religious) world. My biggest fear was dealing with donor as a frum person and what that would be like.

So many people assume that it's not "kosher." I literally went through the pros and cons of my therapist and husband, and realize I was much more comfortable going the donor route (than adoption.) Then I had to wait for him to decide he was ready too.

The grief process comes in waves even to this day because I'm still sad for my husband's genetic loss, but it feels separate from our kids. There's a concept of a "dream child" that was lost, the one that shares both of our genes who we will never know. I mourn for our lost innocence of thinking we could get married and have kids right away.

Over the years, I had periods of being jaded about G-d and faith and mikvah, but I'm starting to connect more again recently. It's all sad and happy at the same time. We have a beautiful life, but we're still sad for what we went through all those years.

Husband: I've discovered that you never feel ready all of a sudden no matter how much you prepare for something. So I asked my wife to set things in motion by finding the right agency and choosing a donor. This allowed me to more gradually accept the change taking place in our lives, for the end result that you both wanted. This set things in motion so that it would rip the bandaid off. It makes me happy and proud to see my wife fulfill her dreams and motherhood.

Your kids-did you love them immediately?

I'm absolutely in love with my kids. And I give myself full permission to complain about them as much as "regular" fertile parents do. My issue in warming up to my first child was more due to postpartum depression and not about them being donor conceived. For me, it was easy to be comfortable with this aspect before moving forward with a donor and I didn't really question if I could love them.

Husband: I love our children holy and unconditionally, but separately from that, I still hold on to a grief that will always be with me. My diagnosis and the grief that comes with it, is part of the definition of who I am. I internalize that as part of my identity.

How did you decide if/when to tell your kids?

I did a lot of research over the years about how donor conceived children may feel about this. Of course, it's really different depending on how and what age they find out. During pregnancy, I really thought about it and enjoyed being normal and happy. When my first child was about one and more of a "real person," I started to consider again what this would all mean to them one day.

I initially agreed on telling them around bar/bat mitzvah age, but after doing more research, I felt waiting any amount of time would be wrong. We've started reading child friendly books about donor conception to our kids from a very young age and practice talking about it on a basic level. They don't really care yet and some day they may. We specifically chose a donor who would be open when our kids are older in case they want to find out more of their medical history or genetic origins.

Who knows in your family? Beyond your family? How did you make those decisions?

We made the decision by talking it out amongst ourselves and more therapy! I don't see it as a secret-more as private information. We are taking baby steps towards being more open at a pace that feels comfortable to us. Maybe in the future you'll see us on an instalive!

What would you say to someone considering this? If they are scared?

You have to weigh your end goal (having kids) with your current discomfort. Read as much as you can and listen to stories of donor conceived people, recipient parents and take it all in. There is not a "cure" to a medical problem and it doesn't erase the grief, but it is a way of having kids.

Remind yourself that Hashem (G-d) doesn't want you to be miserable. We have zero regrets with using a donor-it's been a great tool for us to experience what we always wished for. Having children through donor has given us a second chance at the life that we never thought was possible for us.