Third Party Reproduction Myths

These are some of the things that parents think about when considering using a donor (and things that other people think when you share you are going the donor route):

1. I won't connect with my child. You are already connecting with your child just by considering using a donor. You are intentionally choosing to have child in this way, and that already us a connection. And most people say that when that baby is born, all these fears melt away.
2. My child will look different than you. Remember how Aunt Sarah had red hair and no one could figure out why? Or that your brother is 6’5 and your other siblings are under 5’5? Variation happens, even with biological children. It’s normal.
3. I need to meet/know the donor. Who says? You can choose to whether you want to have this person in your life or not. There is no right answer.
4. My child will be mad at me (because they were conceived via donor). We can't control how our kids will think. What we can control is how we share the information with them. Sharing with them their story early and often is the best way to communicate that using a donor is not something to be ashamed of but something to be celebrated.
5. Share the story or don’t share it with anyone. That’s your choice. But privacy is not the same as secrecy. Be aware of the differences.
6. People will treat my child differently if they know. Frankly - people see you pregnant. They see your partner holding their child and that is what people see. They don’t think beyond what is right in front of their eyes.
7. Telling my child for the first time when they are a teenager or an adult can be disruptive and confusing. This is true…if you wait until they are older to share the news. Research has shown that telling children they were conceived through third-party reproduction can be psychologically devastating. The child may suspect they’re different as they age, a family member may accidentally tell, or they may someday undergo a genetic screening that will reveal the truth. (See #4)

Holding space for all of you who are traveling down this road. It’s never an easy decision.