Mental Illness & Circumstantial Infertility

“Blood.

A clear sign that another month has passed in which every single day I dutifully swallowed a little blue pill.

A sign that reminds me, that as stable as I am, as healthy as I am, I am still not in a place to bring another child into my family.

A reminder that my dream, the vision I always had of myself, is different in reality.

I tell myself to be thankful. You have three wonderful children. You have a husband who stands by you every step of the way and does more child care and house work than you do.

Be forgiving, give yourself time to be really strong so you don't collapse with a new baby.

Be happy. You're in a good place. You're taking care of yourself. Things could be a lot worse.

Be grateful. For the size of your challenges and that they are not bigger.

Recognize that at least you know your body is healthy. That when you are ready for a child, it's not a struggle to become pregnant.

I tell myself all of these things. All of the time.

But it doesn't take it away.

It doesn't change the fact that I wish I didn't need to be on birth control.

That my vision of having a large family isn't realistic for me.

That I am dealing with a mental illness.

That my greatest blessing: my children, has also brought with it my greatest challenge, my depression and anxiety.

I took a long hot shower. Scrubbing as if washing it all away.

I know it takes work. And I'm working on it. But right now, at this moment, I wish I didn't have to.

And a hug from my husband is all I need to feel better.”