“I was already ‘an older single’ at the age of 27 when something was off with my cycles. I went to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and after some lab results, I got the awful diagnosis of POF (premature ovarian failure).
As isolating as it can feel as a married woman, it is (in my opinion) so much more lonely as a single. No spouse in the journey with you.
After advice from an organization, I switched to a leading center. The goal was to see if there were any eggs to still save at this point.
I started cycling. Sat in waiting rooms filled with married people. Through my year and a half of cycling I met people I knew. I felt so exposed in the waiting room.
My first retrieval was devastating. They thought they would get 2 eggs. They found none. I was crushed. It was a Friday. I call it my ‘black Friday.’ Sunday was Purim. I cried through the megillah reading (public reading of the book of esther) as though it was Tisha B'av (saddest fast day of the Jewish calendar).
My doctor changed the protocol and a miracle occured. The next cycle we got 5 eggs.
And so went my one and a half year journey of cycling. One after the other. Sometimes we got one. Sometimes three. Sometimes the cycle had to be canceled for no response. Then came the hard decision to stop. We hadn't reached the optimal number, but it wasn't getter easier.
The first year after treatment was very hard emotionally. I had to process everything I went through. Luckily with a support system and therapy, I got through it. It took a lot of time.
The dating chapter is a different world when you are in my situation. It's years later and I'm still navigating it. The people around me have no idea as I do not with to publicize my infertility struggles with the average person. This has taught me not to judge others and to be sensitive as we never know what someone is going through.
In reality, I do not want everyone to know. But what is so interesting is that there’s this part of me at times that wishes I could tell everyone. I think it comes from a need to be understood. I am not just 35 and single. The world doesnt get that. I'm an orthodox 35 single with POF. I can’t just date any guy out there…
I've learned so much about myself through this journey. I wish it never happened, but at the same time I have grown more than I could have imagined. It is still a lonely place and painful. However, I choose to be positive as much as I can and pray for the day that I meet someone willing to go with me on my journey.”
