I Was Supposed To

“I was supposed to have a baby
I was supposed to see that first flicker of your heartbeat
I was supposed to have morning sickness for another few weeks
I was supposed to hear that thump thump thump of your tiny little heart
I was supposed to share my excitement with all my family and friends
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I was supposed to have a baby
I was supposed to watch my belly grow
I was supposed to take weekly belly pictures
I was supposed to see how big you are this week compared to a vegetable ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I was supposed to have a baby
I was supposed to see your body slowly slowly grow into a baby
I was supposed to feel your first kicks
I was supposed to have back pain and feel my ligaments stretch
I was supposed to have tender breasts
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I was supposed to have a baby
I was supposed to pick out your take-me-home outfit
I was supposed to feel that first painful contraction
I was supposed to push you out into this world
I was supposed to feel your soft baby skin against my chest
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I was supposed to have a baby
I was supposed to count your 10 fingers and toes
I was supposed to take in that fresh baby smell
I was supposed to hold you in my arms and feed you
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But I was wrong
I thought I was supposed to have a baby
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I was supposed to get pregnant
I was supposed to be amazed that my body can actually get pregnant on its own
I was supposed to dream about our family of 5
I was supposed to wonder how we will fit 3 car seats in the back seat
I was supposed to be sick for 9 weeks as my body worked to create you
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I was supposed to get pregnant
And now I need to let you go.”