The Pain of Miscarriage

“Confession time.

I had my first miscarriage in April.
I had my second miscarriage in September.
I’m terrified if I get pregnant again and have another miscarriage I will add ‘recurrent miscarriage’ to the already long list of my infertility diagnosis and unknowns.
The thought of adding a new diagnosis to my infertility journey after 13 years is too terrifying that we decided I need to go on birth control for now.
I want that baby so bad.
I want to be pregnant so bad it hurts.
The idea of another miscarriage is so suffocating I can’t breathe.
I feel like a fraud as all I want is to be pregnant and yet I’m actively stopping myself from getting pregnant right now.
That’s the pain of miscarriage.
That’s the pain of infertility.

The first 10 years of my journey the ‘only’ thing I lost was my innocence and my dignity.
I couldn’t get pregnant.
I had only a couple failed cycles.
There was no hope according to my medical team.
Less than 3% chance I would ever get pregnant.
With G-d’s power, my persistence and some amazing people at @atimehug , I got my miracles.
Scientifically, these miscarriages made no sense.
Scientifically it made no sense that I managed to get pregnant on my own, not once but twice.

For me, the pain of losing these last two pregnancies broke me more than the 10 years of running to doctors and being told over and over and over again, you will never be able to carry a pregnancy.

Those pregnancies gave me a new hope.
Those pregnancies told me that I can get pregnant on my own.
And then they were gone.
Over.

And me?
I was left in a heaping puddle of blood and tears.
Too terrified to let my hopes and dreams start to soar before being knocked down and shattered all over my world once more.”

And people still say that it’s “just” a miscarriage? I think this anonymous follower tells us exactly why it’s not “just” anything.”