The Club Nobody Wants to Be a Part Of

“To think that today would have been Week 11.

It has been exactly 7 days since we found out that our baby no longer had a heartbeat and stopped growing.

What followed was shock, disbelief, and denial.

No, I thought, I have no bleeding and no cramping. I feel pregnant.

I have not been carrying a dead baby inside of me for 3 weeks, you are wrong. I heard the strongest heartbeat in Week 7, your machine is broken.

So I drove 1 hour and 20 min to my former OB and begged for another ultrasound. “I’m really sorry, I cannot fit you in but I can give you a script for a radiology clinic.”

I called clinic after clinic, “We are booked, the technician is out…” Finally, a clinic had a cancellation. “Can you be there in 20 min?” I was there in 30 minutes. Checking in, waiting, waiting, waiting. Finally, my name was called and I was led back.

The technician: “The physician is out today and I’m not really supposed to comment but I don’t see a heartbeat.”

Two hours later I asked the prescribing doctor “Did you review my ultrasound?”

His response: “I’m so sorry.”

The next day, Erev Shabbos, I was introduced to Misoprostol. They say you’ll have a bad period but I thought I was going to die.

The pain that I experienced was the worst pain I ever experienced in my entire life.

My poor husband, an EMT, had to stand there and watch, feeling helpless, not knowing what to do to help me manage my pain. I called my doctor saying that I am not going to make it only to be told that a D&C was no longer an option.

“You’re almost there, take more Ibuprofen.”

The debilitating physical pain eventually subsided but the emotional pain was unbearable.

We spend 6 weeks dreaming and bonding with this baby. We couldn’t wait to welcome this baby in February.

A baby, my first baby, our baby is gone.

Statistics show that 1 in 4 women will miscarry during the first trimester.

You just never think that it will be you.”