First Person Account of Male Factor Infertility
Can you explain briefly about how you discovered that the problem was male factor?
"We found out after my two younger brothers have had indications for a low sperm count and we thought it best to me as well. At that point, we have been trying to conceive for a little under three months and been married six months. Once the test results came in we were able to start consultations, further tests, and treatments immediately thanks to the Israeli health system. We were told by multiple doctors that there is no evidence to suggest that male infertility can be genetic, but we still wanted to be on the safe side. I think at this point we are glad we found out early rather than spend a long time trying without any viable chance of success. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
What were your initial feelings? How have you been handling the diagnosis since then?
“One of the most frustrating things with infertility medicine is the fact that male infertility is not really treated. Soon after we discovered that we are dealing with male factor, the clinics (we went to several - public, private, general, specialist) started to treat and examine my wife. Needless to say that even the examination stage is far more invasive for women than for men, let alone the treatment itself. This was and still is the cause of a lot of guilt. Knowing that I am the problem, and yet I am not treated, probed and examined is really difficult. Seeing my wife go through all of this because of a problem that my body is causing is both humbling and frustrating.
Which brings me to my initial reaction - in the beginning, I felt as if my masculinity and manhood was compromised. It took a long time to disassociate this toxic masculinity feeling that was falsely linking between male fertility and my own manhood. Now we are dealing with this as a physical condition. Infertility is not a reflection of your masculinity, it is not a testimony to your mental health if you struggle, it is certainly not a reflection of one's relationship. My wife often says that the people who struggle the most to have families are the ones who you look at and think that they’re the people who would be amazing parents.
Have you told anyone about it? Why or why not? Who did you tell?
“After going through the phases of emotional distress which included shame, frustration, and even anger, we realized that infertility needs to be destigmatized, so we are pretty open about it. We’ve both talked to our PhD advisors, Torah teachers (we learn together in a kollel), friends, and family to the extent that it is useful and to the extent that they can understand - which varies a lot, and not always in the ways you’d expect. It's never easy to talk about this experience, but we discovered that the more we talk about it the more people can respond appropriately (to us but also to others in the same situation) and ask appropriate questions, and our community and friends continue to be amazingly helpful.
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When I recently was away for some unavoidable work during an embryo transfer, our friends rallied around my wife and cooked for her, took her in, and really understood what she needed. She also reached out to ask for help which can be quite a hurdle to overcome. I think infertility has clarified for us who we trust and love, and who needs to be kept a little further away for our own mental health. We are careful to manage this as much as we can. We switched shuls for this reason, and sometimes we turn down Shabbat invitations or family events if it’s obvious something is going to be triggering. But we have also found some friends and family have become much closer to us. In general, this is a trying time for any couple and environmental support is important. Infertility is a physical condition and does not change your value as an individual person or a couple, and you have to do whatever you need to in order to maintain that truth.
What is your advice for other families/men going through this?
“For the couple - draw strength from one another, you are never alone in this process and while it will be one of the hardest things you ever do, it can also bring you strength and a bond that is irreplaceable and incomparable.
For men who will in most cases not go through treatment - be attentive to your partners, learn to listen rather than project your own emotions. It is OK to be vulnerable, even if you're not seeing good examples or role models for this in Jewish communities. Your masculine image should not be demeaned by this process, and it's up to you to find a balance of making peace with your diagnosis without trying to overcompensate. Quiet self-confidence is more powerful than anything.
For the family - unite around the couple in need and try to listen and understand.
Is there anything else you want to add that hasn’t been asked? Sad, funny, etc.
“Two things.
One: We have had a very rocky ride so far. My wife was mismanaged during a medicated IUI cycle by a terrible doctor who lied and misled us knowingly, which forced us to go through high-risk IVF and OHSS, and locked us in multiple unsuccessful embryo returns. We didn’t get to make an informed choice about IVF; it was forced upon us. But through this process we have grown a huge amount as a couple. It feels like we have done about 10 years of marriage work and progress in our first year together.
Two: There is a lot of misinformation out there about infertility, more so about male factor. Often these ideas can be harmful and just very unpleasant to encounter.
Unfortunately there are also Jewish textual sources and ideas out there that perpetuate horrible ideas about why infertility happens to people (we encountered one such idea first hand on a kollel shabbaton and it was disgusting). BUT…people cannot understand what you are going through unless you let them know. While it shouldn’t be necessary to educate others while also undergoing treatment, we’re still not past the education stage as a community. Now that we just tell our story upfront we find that we get more productive and helpful comments as opposed to the toxic comments coming from ignorance that unfortunately still exist.