“I think one of my biggest fears once diagnosis was that our marriage would disintegrate like so many people I had heard about.

I felt like people were either telling me to relax, or they were telling me about couples they knew who tried and tried for so long and then they finally had kids just to get divorced a year later.

That was demoralizing.

After our diagnosis of severe MFI (male factor infertility), I told my husband the ball was in his court, and if he wanted kids he needed to take control and figure things out. It was not my style to relinquish control. But I was so far into denial/depression, I couldn't even think about it. At the same time, he was in denial because he felt like a failure of a man who could not even provide enough to have children.

These feelings got stronger for him once we finally started treatment, and he had to watch me go through treatment. Because of our prognosis and treatment plan, our clinic required us to see a therapist! Thank Gd for her because otherwise we would probably no longer be together. She guided us through the rough patches.

Despite having 2 kids, our lives have been completely consumed with getting pregnant or having a newborn. It takes a toll on you. Going straight from stressful infertility to pregnancy, doesn't allow for the time to heal and repair properly from the infertility journey.

We are finally now getting back to our roots, having conversations while not delirious, and just connecting again. It's nice to rekindle our friendship that was so stressful for so long. He is still reminded of our struggle every day (mainly because we used donor sperm), and he is not upset about that, but it's always on his mind. Over time, he will get more and more comfortable as he has done until now. But it's a process. And a long one at that.

But it is easier to imagine the future now that we are reconnecting and don't feel like two individuals struggling to breathe on the same path. I will say that after many of the things we went through, he talks about certain things that left me reeling and he just stood there looking calm. I now see how much he was holding it together for my sake.

He was dying inside, but felt like someone had to be the rock for the other, and since I was non-functional, he stood strong. But then afterward, he made comments about how tragic and devastating things were. It was for some reason shocking to me that he felt that way. But made me almost happy that he was feeling the same thing as me. Like it wasn't just something to blow off and get over.”