Halachic Infertility
PSA: This next story about Halachic infertility is hard to read.
For those of you who spend every waking moment steeped in Jewish law, following its every edit with all of its nuances, it's difficult to contemplate someone who doesn't take it as seriously as you.
And we know that it's probably going to be even more difficult hearing from some one who chose to turn away from Halacha (jewish law). This someone tried every possible way to stay within the confines of what the law was saying, but instead felt isolated, angered, depressed and shut down. She chose to do what she needed to do for her mental health.
And why are we sharing her story? Because IWSTHAB's mission is to hold space, comfort and validate anyone who is struggling to have a child. And in this case, the anger and disillusionment are the emotions that need to be supported.
Also, we want to remind all of you that when you ask "How many children do you have?" you really have NO IDEA what people are going through, and how hard it is for them to get through one single day. Because if you had a window into our DM's, you would see that this woman is not the only one who is trying her best to straddle her desire to have a family with the confines of jewish law.
“I grew up yeshivish.
After I had my daughter, I had postpartum depression, [so I knew I] was supposed to get permission from my Rabbi not to get pregnant again right away. And when I wanted to know why I had to ask a shaila (question) about [whether I could use birth control] because it was *my* body, I was met with shock by a rabbi I really trusted. He said in a raised voice, "THE TORAH SAYS PRU U'RVU." (Be fruitful and multiply)
Then, when I was experiencing extreme pain with intercourse, I called an extremely well-known and well-respected Rabbi, and was told sorry there wasn't a solution. He said the penis has to go in the vagina, even if it's just a little bit in. I said this is super painful. What else can we do? And he said nothing. The prohibition against spilling seed comes before the pain I was experiencing.
Everyone says, "Oh, you asked the wrong rabbi" (someone who isn't an expert in this field) or "Halacha doesn't actually require that," or whatever.
But if I told you the names of some of the rabbis I talked to, you would understand. These are well known rabbis.
The problem, is I see it, is that they control the system. I don't have a way of knowing if what they're telling me is actually Halacha or just what they want me to know. Halacha and Hashem allow exceptions for many things, but the rabbis take it upon themselves to grant those exceptions, depending on what I tell them.
But it shouldn't be their choice; it should be my choice.
Nobody has the right to judge my mental state except for me.
I did a lot of work to 'take back' my control.
I relearned niddah (laws of family purity) with someone I trust and had her teach me the deoraysa (laws that come from the Torah), derabanan (laws that come from the rabbis), and every exception to every rule. Eventually, I decided that that couldn't possibly be what Hashem wants for me, so I stopped doing it. And I do what feels right for us.
I still believe in Hashem, and in the tour, but I don't believe in rabbis, as the ones collectively telling us what the Torah says and means.
But now, I'm dealing with halachic infertility.
They are quick to offer acceptable suggestions to *just* use hormonal manipulation to solve the problem or *just* use IUI. " it's no big deal; plenty of articles say the side effects are minimal," these rabbis say. And while I'm talking to my doctors to ensure nothing medical is going on, it's mostly a timing issue. I don't have a problem with early ovulation; the problem is late Mikvah! It's not my body failing me; it's the rabbis and the chumras (stringent interpretations of the law).
What makes me so angry is how unimportant I am to Halacha. My takeaway from this is that my body is just expendable as long as the system can be upheld. Once again, my needs are last. I am an acceptable korban (sacrifice) for maintaining the system.
Look, I'm in trauma therapy to heal from the harm that was done to me by following what I thought was halacha (Jewish law). I have since learned that I should have been offered way more leniency from the beginning.
But when I talk to other women who have gotten similar answers to me and they ask me what they should do-- I tell them I'm not the person to ask because my answer is to stop asking.
It's just sad because I wasn't looking for reasons to turn away from religion. And had I been given the answers I needed, I probably would be a lot frummer (religious).
Look what key is that it's not good enough to tell people to ask their LOR (local Orthodox rabbi) or even 'make sure you find a rabbi who understands these things.' People need to know [what the actual laws are] and what is possible because the rabbis aren't going to offer it unless you are armed with that knowledge.”
