Overcoming Silence: Our Story with Ejaculatory Dysfunction and Marriage

Tell us about your background.

"It was a given that once we got married, a baby directly follows within a year. At least that’s what my husband and I believed.

My husband and I both grew up in the same community with similar backgrounds. Coming from the Lubavitch community and the Jewish mentality at large, a lot of emphasis is placed on the beauty of having big families and we were surrounded by families with lots of children as well. I myself come from a large family and my husband always envisioned having a large family as well.

What has been your experience with trying to have children?

“Within a few months of marriage, we quickly realized something was not right. Based on what we learned in chosson (groom)/kallah (bride) classes we took before marriage, things weren’t happening the way they were biologically supposed to. Biologically, a male is supposed to ejaculate.

But my husband was not.

My biggest dream was (is) having a baby but that can’t happen without my husband.

My husband was frustrated because he is supposed to be ejaculating and he felt so abnormal that his body was betraying him.

We were at a loss because lack of ejaculation is not spoken about at all.

Though it’s not really considered infertility, essentially it is because we can’t have children without the sperm.

How did you approach this situation?

“It was a very rough patch for us to be very honest.

My husband felt emasculated and insecure and saw how much it hurt me. Never mind the fact that he feels worthless because he can’t do what he’s supposed to so he’s already feeling bad, but now he’s also causing his wife extreme emotional pain.

From my end, I was angry at him. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t ejaculating (not realizing that it really wasn’t his fault) and it just put a lot of strain on our marriage.

Being that I am a doer, I was going to figure this out and get to the bottom of it.

We went the medical route and when it was clear that it wasn’t a medical issue, we took a more natural approach - speaking to multiple professionals, our Mashpios (mentors) and our chosson and kallah teachers. Jokes on me because this is not something that we can control no matter how much we tried.

We were at a loss and felt really really alone and abnormal.

What was the emotional impact of this?

“Words cannot begin to describe the emotional pain that we felt. There were nights we both cried ourselves to sleep. There have been times that out of sheer frustration and pain we would lash out (and apologize later).

Yes, some days are easier than others and we do what we can to strengthen our relationship outside the bedroom and sort of take the pressure off and just enjoy each other. It’s a tedious process.

I feel that because of our incredible support system, our openness with each other and doing the best we can under the circumstances, it makes the process a little smoother.

What support have you received?

“Recently, after struggling with this issue for a year, it was recommended that we reach out to Bonei Olam as maybe they can be of help.

We called them and it was the best thing we did. Both my husband and I spoke with Bonei Olam representatives and they explained that unfortunately what we are going through is very common yet not spoken about like miscarriage and pregnancy loss and they unfortunately deal with this issue multiple times a day.

Just hearing that calmed us down and we didn’t feel the need to constantly find more ideas of how to go about it and fix it.

How are you doing now?

“We do currently still struggle with it but now it’s at a point that we know that firstly, we are not the only ones.

Secondly, it can take a good year and a half to two years for a lot of young couples to have their first child, so right now the pressure is off.

And finally, yes we are struggling with it, but we try very hard to make sure that it should not affect our marriage and our intimate relationship.

To ensure that our relationship stays solid despite this very big challenge takes tremendous effort on both our ends.

It requires lots of patience, love, compassion.

It means being accepting of each other and loving each other. It means lots of conversations & communication, and being vulnerable and sharing when we are having a rough day. We also know that if one of us has a rough day, the other needs to be strong one because we can’t both be having a rotten day.

How has this changed your marriage and your outlook?

“Going through this challenge together has brought out the best in both of us and has forced us to really dig deep and grow far more than we ever imagined.

I have to remember that as much as it’s hard for me constantly seeing young girls pushing strollers down the street, hearing that couples who got married the same time as us are having babies, and having a baby being my greatest dream, it’s hard for my husband as well.

It hurts him just as much if not more. More because his body is not doing what it’s supposed to do. And the fact that not only is this challenge affecting him, it’s affecting me, someone he loves dearly as well.

How do you support yourself and each other?

“We have had to come up with ideas that would enhance our marriage and take the focus away from the current issue. Getaways and vacations. Trying to go out together once a week. Each of us individually doing things that keep us in a good mood (self care is so important as it really affects mood and when you’re in a positive mood it makes things so much easier).

Having someone to speak to, someone who can guide you whether a mashpia, therapist, chosson/kallah teacher is enormous.

Something super important we learned was to let your spouse know when you’re having a rough day so they can be of support to you.

Journaling your thoughts and feelings can be very cathartic and calming and help recenter yourself.

Just enjoying each other’s company and taking the pressure off can greatly reduce the tension between the two of you and bedroom life doesn’t become such a pressure rather it’s an enjoyable experience.

Do you have any chizuk (words of strength) to share with others experiencing a similar situation?

Though we are both private by nature, we are sharing this in the hopes that it can help another couple struggling with the same thing.

Had we known months ago that we weren’t alone, that we weren’t abnormal or crazy, it would have made us feel so much more accepted and normal.

We want other couples to know that THEY ARE NOT ALONE.

Yes, it’s painful.

Some days the pain is absolutely excruciating that it manifests itself in physical pain. Some days are more challenging.

Just know that there are other couples in the same boat. A husband not ejaculating is not his fault and he needs lots of love and acceptance.

There are resources out there and they are more than happy to be of moral support."