Miscarriage and Going Back To Work

“I had 2 girls within 2 years of each other and we were trying for a third. I was working 50 hours a week in a management position in a wealth management firm.  I was on the hamster wheel of life with barely a moment to catch my breath.
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I got pregnant with my third after a hsg and I was in full bliss mode! I was very sick with the pregnancy and I vomited almost daily. The nausea was overwhelming. Looking back now I think working on overrdrive only exasperated my symptoms. I forged ahead, thinking every week that went by, I was one week closer to holding my baby.
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I went in for an 11 week ultrasound with my husband, excited to hear the heartbeat. There was no heartbeat.
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I remember my initial reaction was anger. I was mad. I was REALLY mad.  This was not the plan. I was supposed to be having a baby!
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I was sent to an abortion clinic because the hospital didn’t have room to fit me in for a D&C. It just added to my trauma. I ended up having to have a second D&C which meant going back to the abortion clinic.
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I tried to go back to work a couple weeks later against the advice of my doctor.  She had suggested I take a month off and slowly acclimate back into work life. I wanted to pretend like it never happened. On my first day back walking to work, I saw a heavily pregnant woman walking with her husband and it destroyed me. I walked into work sobbing thinking that I would have emotional support from the other female managers and instead there was no empathy or sympathy. Rather I was told ‘people’ had lost respect for me since I had missed two weeks of work. I now realize that that comment had nothing to do with me but at the time it consumed me. I didn’t want to be there anymore.  I wanted to be pregnant with THAT baby.

I tried to push through for another six weeks and symptoms of postpartum depression came crashing down on me.  I was a walking emotional mess. Thankfully, a wonderful nurse at the hospital, had given me the number to the psychologist at the hospital.  They helped and guided me to deal with my postpartum symptoms.

I am so thankful to say that I did have a third baby, a baby girl, who I say is my miracle baby. She healed me in so many ways and my heart explodes every time I look at her.  I quit my job and started an online business to be able to stay home for my girls.  I unfortunately had another miscarriage after her but it was a different experience.

I know exactly when the baby passed away. It was on a ‪Friday night‬. I was sleeping and I woke up with terrible cramps. I knew I was saying goodbye to the baby after only a short six weeks of being pregnant.  I was emotionally ok until around the due date.  It was harder then because there were a couple of women in my community having babies around that time.  I was honest and open to my husband and friends about my feelings and it helped me get through it.

I hope to have a fourth but I’m scared I might have another miscarriage.  I tell myself all the time, whatever is meant to be is meant to be.  I can only do my part and leave the rest up to you know who.”