Grief and the Unknown

"Grief and the unknown: Two words that accurately describe my feelings as i stand in the midst of my journey at a standstill.

For months I prepped and went through physical and emotional pain and many many setbacks, only to come out of it with a failed transfer. A failed transfer of our one and only healthy embryo that was created through love sweat and tears, months of uncomfortable reactions to meds and so much waiting….

Waiting for my body to react for a successful retrieval, waiting for so many blood results and waiting for so many ultrasound results, waiting for medicine adjustments, waiting to hear how many embryos made it to blasts, waiting for the genetic results on the embryos, waiting for my body to feel better for transfer, waiting for my lining to thicken, waiting for estrogen and progesterone levels to be perfect, waiting for embryo implantation, waiting the long 9 days to hear if it all worked.

Waiting for THE PHONE CALL.

Dreading the doctor's voice as he shares the unfortunate news that it did not work.

Numb

Numb

Numb

There is so much we think we know in this process but in truth, there is mostly the unknown. We don’t always have answers as to why things don’t work out, when everything seems to look so perfect…..

I am learning that there is so much to grieve in this process. Almost as much as there is to hope….

I am grieving the journey that I thought I would have, the journey I dreamt would be. As much as I try to push away my grief, it trickles in and I am forced to sit with it.

There are so many layers of this journey to grieve.

-I am grieving the hope I had for this cycle of IVF.

-I am grieving the success of my body reacting well and producing a nice amount of eggs for retrieval.

-I am grieving the excitement I had to hear that 8 of my embryos made it to blasts and were sent to get genetically tested.

-I am grieving the shock we had, to hear that only one embryo came back genetically normal.

-I am grieving the excitement that after many setbacks and health issues i was finally able to have a transfer months later.

-I am grieving the hope and absolute excitement I had on the day of transfer-I am grieving the sad reality that our embryo did not implant for a healthy pregnancy.

-I am grieving the embryo that we have grown so very attached to, that lived in my womb for 9+ days.

So what happens next? We are back to the unknown.