Permission to Grieve

“My son is turning 3 in a few days bH and I’m waiting for my second child after over a year of trying. Unfortunately, I have also suffered two losses in the past 5 months 💔 Given that I bH already have a child, it is the age gap that kills me the most; Desperately wanting to give him a friend that is family… and people constantly ‘comfort’ you with ‘age gaps don’t necessarily matter’ or ‘Hashem’s timing is perfect, you never really know what will be the right age gap for him…’ etc and while absolutely well-intentioned, I have found that for me it does nothing to take away that fear and pain… and also grief.

And what I realized this week, is: It is my right to grieve this.

I don’t have to learn to be okay with this. I can grieve the loss, not just of my pregnancies, but the loss of what I dreamt my family to be. (Yes, maybe if my children were 2 years apart they wouldn’t get along, but they also could have been best friends, okay? And I lost that possibility..)

And I honestly feel that giving myself permission to grieve that has given me more comfort than trying to convince myself that ‘it’s all the same anyway.’ It’s not necessarily all the same and I get to grieve that.

I felt so emotionally breathless, chasing that constantly moving goalpost (of giving a sibling to my son). Already having ‘failed’ but trying to fail less…😩I feel that perhaps, instead of running running running for that goal-which gives me no permission to pause and process because ‘I’m already out of time’- I can give myself pause and say ‘Okay, you missed the goalpost you had desired, take a moment to grieve that and feel that.’ That makes me feel so. Much. More. Grounded. Maybe it gives me a moment to close that chapter and open the next one? Without perhaps all the baggage and breathlessness of the previous race.

So I just want to say to all my beloved mothers on here, if those sentiments (of the age-gap doesn’t necessarily matter) comforts you, hold them close to your heart. But if they don’t comfort you, please give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the family structure you had wanted.❤️"