“I Wish I Had Never Given My Baby a Name”

“When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started celebrating and created a ‘Baby To-Do List’- all kinds of prenatal tasks, appointments to make, things to buy... I'm an organizer - a list-maker - and putting that to-do list together gave me so much joy.

But worst of all, I gave my baby a nickname. I calculated that I'd be due on May the 4th, so I nicknamed him/her ‘Baby Yoda.’ I thought that was so cute.

I wish I had never given my baby a name.

5 weeks later, days before an eagerly anticipated out of town family simcha (event), I saw blood. I wasn't established with an OB yet (my first appointment wasn't for another few weeks), so the OB couldn't see me yet... 

So I went to the ER. During Covid. My husband wasn't allowed to come in with me.

Those hours alone in the ER, masked but well before vaccinations, were scary and isolating (and I understand now in hindsight, traumatizing - when I close my eyes even today I can still recall every detail of that ER visit). They said I was having a ‘threatened miscarriage,’ and didn't give me clear advice on whether I could travel to our family simcha. 

I was still deluding myself that maybe I could go.

I called my PCP the next day, crying. She so gently told me that she didn't want me to travel. At the time I couldn't differentiate between my upset at not being able to attend the long-anticipated family simcha after months of Covid-isolation, and my horror at what was happening to me. I was a mess all day. Erev Shabbos (Friday) was a flurry of phone calls to vaguely tell family that I wouldn't be coming to the simcha, without really explaining why.

I ended up miscarrying alone while live streaming the simcha from home. I felt myself literally passing tissue, and ran away from the computer to get to the bathroom.

I was scarred, not only because I miscarried, but also because of how it all played out. For the longest time I buried my feelings. It ended up taking almost a year before I could bring myself to tell friends or family what had happened.

I haven't been able to get pregnant since.”

-Anonymous