When Fighting Cancer Becomes More Important Than Having a Baby

My last pregnancy was awful. My baby’s delivery was traumatic. I was already “older.” I was tired. Did we want to try to have another baby? I honestly wasn’t sure. 

I always thought I'd have 4-6 kids. 

I was always scared of the risk factors of being pregnant at anolder age. But, would I regret not having another child? Would I be able to physically and emotionally handle a pregnancy let alone a baby?!?

Turns out, a breast cancer diagnosis fast-tracked those decisions. I was given about a week to get myself to a reproductive endocrinologist and start the process of egg retrieval. My cancer was so aggressive my oncologist wouldn’t let me have more time. Those days were agonizing. I cried so much I thought I’d dehydrate myself. I had to decide if I could physically and emotionally withstand egg retrieval and then immediately start chemo and then survive. Then recover. Then wait two years.

Turns out, the answer was no. My body, my heart, and my mind needed to be solely focused on fighting cancer. The most painful decision in my entire life was to spare my body additional trauma. T

urns out, it was a good thing. Turns out, I had surgical complications and there was no way my body could handle a pregnancy. Turns out, my ovaries had to be removed. And my uterus. Turns out, I don’t have to mourn over retrieved eggs.

Turns out, I found myself looking at every family on Facebook and counting the number of children they had. If it was a small family, did they look happy?

Could I be happy? Could my family feel complete with the children I was given?

Turns out that while, yes, I am happy and my family is perfect, I still resent that those decisions weren't on my timeline.