Abbie Sophia has been featured on this page before, talking about her infertility, loss and twin pregnancy. Now, she elaborates on her experience with termination.

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“I found out at 16 weeks, at a regular check up, when we were in the clear, that my dream of twin girls was just that. A dream.

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The doctors words were heard but not understood as he told me something was definitely wrong with baby B.

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I just said. ‘Okay…thanks.’

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Okay thanks? What?

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What I really was feeling on the inside was turmoil and sadness and confusion. Could I start over? What did this mean? I felt such deep sadness that I have not felt in a long time.

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There was good news. The one who was sick was baby B, not baby A. Since they were not identical and that they were in separate sacks, I could terminate and hopefully the pregnancy would remain in tact. If it were the other way around, I would have to either give birth to a very very sick, not normal looking child who may stay alive or die right away. (When baby A, the one closer to the cervix, is the one with an issue, it’s medically too risky to the healthy baby to terminate). And lastly, it was early enough in the pregnancy that I could still terminate baby B.

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I felt gratitude that I could still terminate. I felt guilt that this was my fault. I had so many confusing thoughts like- ‘What about baby A? Maybe they get the wrong one? Maybe they are wrong?’

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I googled EVERYTHING.

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Baby B had neural tube defect, misshapen skill and brain. Maybe I picked up something heavy and it smushed the baby. Maybe I didn’t take enough folic acid which is the most common cause of neural tube defect. Maybe, everything.

The actual termination is called a ‘selective reduction’ with twins. I had to first see the genetic counselor to make sure that I wanted to go through with it. It was my choice, however it really didn’t feel I had a choice. I was grateful for that too.

I watched the sonogram as they made sure again that there was a severe issue, and that they had the right diagnosis and right baby. They put a needle in my stomach and guided it to baby B and pierced it with potassium chloride to stop the heart from beating longer. The doctor said I was brave and I was told to hold still. He told me that it was not going to hurt. But it hurt so much and the tears were streaming and I had to do everything in my power to hold back a cry of pain. Tears streaming down my face, seeing the baby moving, even knowing that this baby was so sick.

If that wasn’t hard enough it didn’t actually work the first time. I had to go in the very next day and this time we watched as the baby stopped moving and the heart stopped beating. I said bye again. As if she didn’t want to say goodbye just yet…There were times when I wanted to say no, I can’t…because it’s so hard to fathom something you cannot see. I remember whispering ‘Bye my little girl.’ I knew it was best for her rationally. But emotionally still so hard and scary and painful.

Before I left I asked to see baby A’s heart beating strong. It still didn’t feel real. It took me a few weeks to even believe or celebrate that I was still pregnant again. I felt like at any second it would change.

The main thing for me was that I felt it was so hard to mourn her while still being hopeful for baby A. The potential of them being twins died when she did, and it was so hard to wrap my head around that. And the fact that all of this happened after I went through ivf to have them. It was so hard.

The rest of my pregnancy was also really difficult, knowing that I was still carrying the terminated twin. And some people don’t realize that they couldn’t take it out. People were always asking me if I was carrying twins when I was pregnant. ‘Are you sure it’s not twins?’ Umm, yes, I am.

But sometimes I would say that I was supposed to have twins. And that would shut them up really fast, but also taught them a lesson, I hope. That’s why I share my story- so that people can be more sensitive and realize that we all go through something.”