My Reflection On My Reflection

by Ariella Kamen

“Reflections.

I don’t think I ever could’ve prepared myself for these new feelings.

I’m so grateful that they’re new.

Grateful that this isn’t something I struggled with all my life, as many do.

When I look in the mirror,

I see a reflection.

Is it my reflection?

It’s hard to tell.

Hard to recognize myself.

Sometimes it scares me.

It’s frightening not being able

to recognize yourself.

I try hard to look for the old me. Sometimes I catch a glimpse in my smile.

BH (Baruch Hashem - thank gd) I am a uterus transplant recipient.

Being a transplant patient requires me to take a daily cocktail of medications to prevent rejection, among other things.

This is all in addition to anything fertility related.

One of them, my favorite (please note the sarcasm), is prednisone. I have been taking steroids daily now for over a year and a half.

They are a strong and powerful medication and I am grateful for what they are doing to keep me and my uterus healthy.

I am less grateful for the side effects.

The steroids, my other medications, and all the fertility paraphernalia have changed me.

It is hard that no matter what I do to try to take care of my body,

there is something stronger,

that while helping me,

is working against me in this area

My efforts at times leave me feeling like I’m swimming upstream.

I’m grateful to have the opportunity to be on this unique, miraculous, painful, challenging journey, and I pray and hope that one day I’ll be able to say,

“Wow, this was all worth it.”

However, the pain and frustration can and does still exist.

I am in the middle of the journey and I am traveling with my ‘journey scars.’

They are a part of my story.”