“Week 1 was easier.

My friends never left my side.
They were there to talk with flowers and my favorite foods, walks, and distractions. I could have never gotten by without them.
But after one week it’s exhausting. No one wants to hear it anymore and I don’t blame them.

It was time to move on, so I did.

It’s been 2 weeks. 2 weeks since I excitedly got in the car to drive to my doctor’s appointment to see my 12.5-week baby on the screen. At 8.5 weeks my baby was big and growing and had a strong 165 heartbeat.

I kissed my son and husband goodbye and got in the car. I was sad they couldn’t come along. I always pictured baby number 2’s visits to include showing my toddler the screen and holding my husband’s hand like we did the first time around.

But times are different. We’re in the midst of a pandemic.

My husband is not allowed to see his baby on the screen.
I’m alone in this.

I lay down in the office and saw the sonogram screen turn on. My baby didn’t look like an almost 13-week old baby.

I didn’t get to hear the heartbeat.

Where did the sonogram tech go?

I knew.
At that point, I knew.
I texted my husband something’s wrong.

My doctor wasn’t in today. COVID-19 guidelines meant that she wouldn’t see me again until 20 weeks.

The tech calls a nurse on her phone. ‘I’m sorry, your baby stopped developing at around 10 weeks.’ There I lay. Alone in a room without my husband, without anyone.

I silently stood up and walked to my car. ‘10 weeks,’ I thought on the long drive home.

The week I worked 60 hours and felt my body falling apart.
The week I cried and cried as things were reopening and I feared another spike that I couldn’t handle.

I am a nurse who worked through the COVID-19 pandemic.

While half the world stayed home stayed safe I wondered, did COVID-19 do this to my baby?

I was overworked, overtired, over-caffeinated. Most days I felt like absolute shit, hunched over a toilet in between administering patients’ medications.

I was barely hanging on by a thread.

How will I ever move on?

I got pregnant the week New York shut down.
And my baby died the week New York opened up.

Why?

This pregnancy was a surprise, this baby was my light at the end of the tunnel.

My company during the long, hard days.

My motivation to stick something healthy inside my body and keep going.

Did g-d feel I no longer needed this to get by?
Why did He shut off my light?”