Sending a huge hug to this follower for sharing her story with me.

Niddah (or nidah; Hebrew: נִדָּה), in Judaism, describes a woman during menstruation, or a woman who has menstruated and not yet completed the associated requirement of immersion in a mikveh (ritual bath). During niddah, according to Jewish law, its forbidden for a husband and wife to touch each other and have marital relations. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Let me start here. Niddah makes me want to die. I have separation anxiety. Something I've had all my life. I was  treated for it once, but I hated the meds. They had horrible side effects. So every time I'm in niddah or know that it's coming, I have panic attacks. The major ones where I start throwing up, uncontrollably crying, not able to breathe, not able to focus. It feels like my husband is leaving me. Like he doesn't love me anymore. He tries to be there for me but we want to observe niddah very differently. So through my marriage, I have tried to avoid niddah as much as I can. But when trying for a baby, that's impossible.

Thank G-d, trying for my first baby took only three cycles... Three horrible niddahs. When my son was born, I quit breastfeeding early so I can go on my usual birth control to avoid getting a period. After coming off of birth control, I got pregnant right away (no niddah, yay!) only to lose the baby a few days later... A chemical pregnancy. It suck. But not as much as later on in the story.

The next month my daughter was conceived and all was good. I was happy. So happy. I nursed her for over a year and then reluctantly wean so I can get my cycle back. My husband pushed me to wean. He was ready for another baby. The panic attack started again in full force. Two cycles and I was pregnant again. I think God so deeply for understanding my anxiety and making this relatively easy for me. I THANKED Him... Not knowing all the pain that would come. Not knowing that I would have given up my precious  breastfeeding relationship in vain.

At 10 weeks, I went in for my first ultrasound. As I happily chatted with the ultrasound tech about if I hoped for a boy or a girl, the news came and my world came crashing down. 

No heartbeat.

It had died the week before.

How could this happen to me?

How could God do this to me?

He knows about my anxiety.

How could He?!

Those were some dark days. I didn't tell my family. I still haven't. The miscarriage took a long time... A month after I passed the sack I had to go in to get a retained piece of placenta certificate or move. The bleeding lasted forever. I honestly don't know how I made it through that month. I don't know how my marriage made it through that month.

All the doctors told me to wait a month or two to try again. But I couldn't do niddah again. The anxiety was making my decisions for me. We got pregnant and at 7 weeks leaving started. First spotting... and I tried to convince myself that spotting was normal. That's what the doctor had said the day before when we saw the heartbeat. But deep down I know something was wrong. And then I started gushing blood. And crying so hard I couldn't breathe. AGAIN. How could this happen to me again? God was being so cruel. I couldn't do niddah again. I would rather die.

We had a 5 week pregnancy that ended in much the same way. We needed a break. My husband and I decided to take a few months off. I went on birth control. I could finally breathe again. I was in control.

I was so angry with God. I needed a break from him too. I lost my faith for a while.

But the longing for another baby didn't stop. So we tried again... And lost that baby at 6 weeks.

I remember all I could think was WHAT THE F*$&*@k.

Scientifically, we can't pinpoint what the issue is. We have had all the testing possible. The fee specialist I had seen have jumped to the most invasive and expensive options out there. Not because there is proof that it'll help us, just because I don't think they know what to do with me. We weren't ready for that. Maybe that will change.

So I kept looking for a second opinion, then a third, and a fourth. Why are there no answers? Science should have answers!!!

We switch doctors and I started seeing a specialist who was trying to help in the least invasive way possible. Next pregnancy I went in for ultrasounds every day. The baby was measuring small each week. I had a hard time making it between appointments. I would go between convincing myself it was dead to maybe hoping it was alive. It was easier to think the worst. So maybe I wouldn't be as crushed.

At my 10 week ultrasound (this morning as I'm writing this), I found out it was dead.

There is a dead baby inside of me. The saddest part is I wasn't even surprised. I just felt lost. What now?

I have never had so many niddahs in all my marriage. So many panic attacks. Each pregnancy was wrought with tremendous anxiety. When will this one die? This week? Next week? How long do I have before the meeting starts again?

And through all of this, my two beautiful children weren't getting the best of me. They were getting the worst. The distracted, Panic mom who couldn't focus on their needs. I have so much guilt about that. I wish I didn't want more children so I could give them the attention they deserve. But I do. I'm not done. My family isn't complete yet.

I don't know where my story ends. I'm cautiously building my relationship with God. I'm trying to be better mom. I'm trying to be okay. I'm trying to survive.”