"I always thought I'd have a huge family.

We got pregnant right away and one week after the positive I was sick as a dog. I had multiple hospitalizations, was unable to take care of myself or work, I needed daily IVs and eventually a PICC line, and was just not functioning.

I am very grateful for the 2 healthy, beautiful children I have but my heart aches because I want more. But, anytime I'm nauseous or throw up, I panic that I'm pregnant. A positive pregnancy test when we aren't ready is something I want so much, but it also means not being functional for a year.

Someone mentioned to me that having a hard pregnancy isn't like going through infertility. Like who are we kidding? And that stung. Anything that prevents you from holding that baby you dream about at night is infertility and challenging.

Seeing all my friends with small age gaps is hard.
Knowing having another pregnancy will harm my husband's job because he needs to take care of me the kids and the house is scary.
Being in the hospital alone is scary.
Feeling helpless and sick is scary.

Yes, I can get pregnant, but doing this again is petrifying."

-Anonymous